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Author Topic: Anonymous Callers!
Shaindy

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Post Anonymous Callers!
on: July 3, 2013, 7:38 PM

When you get a call about a friend about a shidduch does the person calling introduce themselves? Isn't that common courtesy? Besides I don't want to give private information to some anonymous caller!
I got a call a few minutes ago the caller said she would rather not say her name, I told that her now is not really a good time and she should call back later. What do you all think? Should I answer her questions?

life123

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Post Re: Anonymous Callers!
on: July 3, 2013, 8:40 PM

Yes answer. People don't want their daughters in laws knowing what they asked and they have that right.

patcha

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Post Re: Anonymous Callers!
on: July 3, 2013, 9:06 PM

I answer them, but only give generic information that is totally practically useless.

life123

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Post Re: Anonymous Callers!
on: July 4, 2013, 12:19 AM

Why? No one ever told me their name except the time someone asked me if her mother could call me. I wouldn't want to know who is looking in to me, necessarily, though its encouraging if someone is. If I was looking into someone, I wouldn't want them forming judgements of me based on what I said to someone else, and its an awkward situation, so that makes it doubly unfair. Also, its really none of my business who my friends are dating.

s.

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Post Re: Anonymous Callers!
on: July 4, 2013, 6:27 AM

I would also rather not know who is calling..there is no need to know who it is, and it makes it very awkward if you were redt to/went out with her son before. It's a small world! Don't worry, many people do this.

patcha

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Post Re: Anonymous Callers!
on: July 4, 2013, 3:50 PM

life123: I dunno, everyone pretty much tells me their name. Just last night a boy's mother told me every single detail about the shidduch, and all I had to do was sit there saying , hmm, wow, very nice. (Until I said, well if there's anything else I can help you with let me know, I'm expecting another call.)

I don't like it when anonymous people call and try to dig up dirt. I wouldn't give negative information anyway, and I'm certainly not giving you any useful information unless I see a toeles and know who I'm spreading the information to.

life123

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Post Re: Anonymous Callers!
on: July 4, 2013, 6:11 PM

Their being anonymous and digging up dirt are two different things. If they don't want to give you their name for the reasons I mentioned above, that's something I don't believe is bad. If they won't give you their name and they are nasty, that's another thing altogether and I 100% understand with not wanting to be helpful.
HOWEVER
Something to keep in mind: DO you want to help your friend? If you don't give information because a person doesn't won't give their name, you are making a decision FOR them. You are making it harder for them to get a date, and they MAY NOT CARE if the caller is anonymous because there may be a good reason for it. Think about what you are doing to her before you speak.

Shaindy

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Post Re: Anonymous Callers!
on: July 4, 2013, 9:52 PM

Quote from patcha on July 3, 2013, 9:06 PM
I answer them, but only give generic information that is totally practically useless.

That's what I did. I hear you life123 that they don't what me to go back and tell the girl (which I would never do btw) But still how can I give personal information if she might not even be a mother idk just get me nervous.

life123

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Post Re: Anonymous Callers!
on: July 4, 2013, 11:26 PM

Instead of generic useless information, why not give positive useful information? Unless your friend has issues, in which case you should definitely ask a rav what to do.

patcha

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Post Re: Anonymous Callers!
on: July 7, 2013, 7:05 AM

My experience with anonymous callers is that they are much more likely to ask 'muckraking" type questions, and my hypothesis has always been that they do so because they feel less responsible for what they say. I've had negative experiences that affirmed this policy.

Don't confuse generic useless information with negative information. Generic useless information means "She's quiet but sweet and not too quiet, pretty but tznius and not vain, and smart but will respect your son, etc" And I'll say this even if the girl has never opened up her mouth outside my house, not at all objectively pretty, and is great at art but nothing else, because all that matters is that the guy (or his mother) thinks she is sweet, pretty, and smart.

BH my friends seem to get dates and engaged and happily married after I've shidduch referenced for them, so my strategy seems to be paying off.

moori

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Post Re: Anonymous Callers!
on: July 7, 2013, 10:16 AM

i try not to rely on references because most are likely to give generic answers. i call them the car feature answers. anti lock brake, power windows and doors: they're good features to have but come standard in most cars.
my references are great because of their bluntness and ability to weed out the idiot questioners. once, a family friend reference called and said "i may have ruined your chance for going out. they heard my accent and asked where i'm from. i told them and i said i was your mother's friend as a child. we're from the same town from the former soviet union." "oh, so you didn't have a jewish education. and neither did mrs. moori." "yeah.mrs. moori and i didn't have the easy way out. whatever we learned, whatever we kept, we learned at home. and we had to do it clandestinely. and i think we're better people because of it. don't assume that we are in the least bit inferior to those growing up with a BY education." Needless to say, the boy said no. And we told her she is more than welcome to ruin any chances to weed out such people.

shaynapuni-
m

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Post Re: Anonymous Callers!
on: July 7, 2013, 3:17 PM

i agree that giving your name is common courtesy but if the one calling (like mother or older sister of the guy) is worried about that your friend finds out which guy is checking up on her, she might think your friend will be more hurt when the guy turns her down, than not knowing at all...

you've got to try to see the other side of the story and give limud zchus!!! not answering is just not helpful to anyone

pray today

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Post Re: Anonymous Callers!
on: July 7, 2013, 10:20 PM

Quote from moori on July 7, 2013, 10:16 AM
.
my references are great because of their bluntness and ability to weed out the idiot questioners. once, a family friend reference called and said "i may have ruined your chance for going out. they heard my accent and asked where i'm from. i told them and i said i was your mother's friend as a child. we're from the same town from the former soviet union." "oh, so you didn't have a jewish education. and neither did mrs. moori." "yeah.mrs. moori and i didn't have the easy way out. whatever we learned, whatever we kept, we learned at home. and we had to do it clandestinely. and i think we're better people because of it. don't assume that we are in the least bit inferior to those growing up with a BY education." Needless to say, the boy said no. And we told her she is more than welcome to ruin any chances to weed out such people.

Funny But sounds a little bit risky to me! Just because the people calling aren't 100% doesn't mean the boy isn't.....

moori

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Post Re: Anonymous Callers!
on: July 7, 2013, 11:59 PM

Quote from pray today on July 7, 2013, 10:20 PM

Quote from moori on July 7, 2013, 10:16 AM
.
my references are great because of their bluntness and ability to weed out the idiot questioners. once, a family friend reference called and said "i may have ruined your chance for going out. they heard my accent and asked where i'm from. i told them and i said i was your mother's friend as a child. we're from the same town from the former soviet union." "oh, so you didn't have a jewish education. and neither did mrs. moori." "yeah.mrs. moori and i didn't have the easy way out. whatever we learned, whatever we kept, we learned at home. and we had to do it clandestinely. and i think we're better people because of it. don't assume that we are in the least bit inferior to those growing up with a BY education." Needless to say, the boy said no. And we told her she is more than welcome to ruin any chances to weed out such people.

Funny But sounds a little bit risky to me! Just because the people calling aren't 100% doesn't mean the boy isn't.....

true, but you don't want that person as a mother in law either... And i don't think she said anything wrong, another person would take it better.

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