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Author Topic: Tips please!
basmelech

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Post Tips please!
on: May 31, 2013, 4:36 PM

I really want to work on my relationship with my sister. Any ideas?

rosepetal5

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on: May 31, 2013, 4:39 PM

Um, i think we need a little more info about your relationship before we can give you any advice!

feigy123

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Post Re: Tips please!
on: May 31, 2013, 4:47 PM

Quote from rosepetal5 on May 31, 2013, 4:39 PM
Um, i think we need a little more info about your relationship before we can give you any advice!

Also, is she like 3 years old, or like 40 years old?

basmelech

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on: May 31, 2013, 4:59 PM

Thanks for asking for more inforamtion. I was a little 😉 to vague.
Shes a teenager 😉 and im older than her 😉 I went to seminary and she thinks im a typical seminary girl...so she feels like im "different" than her and cant relate to her issues anymore since i did change a lot in seminary... I want her to feel like im not so "different" than her, so that she can feel like opening up and sharing things with me without feeling like im being critical of what she is telling me.

rosepetal5

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on: May 31, 2013, 5:15 PM

I have a feeling a lot of younger girls feel that way about the girls who come back from seminary...
But anyway, I think the best thing you can do is just talk to her. Take her out, just the two of you, and let her know that you're always there for her. Let her know she's loved and that you're not judging her.
It could be she feels separated from you since you went away for a long time. Maybe she misses something about the relationship you had before.
Also, if you're in the midst of dating, she might be feeling that, too. She might not even realize it, but maybe she's afraid of losing you in some way.
Show her love. Hopefully she'll feel it.

basmelech

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Post Re: Tips please!
on: May 31, 2013, 5:23 PM

I wish i could talk to her but she doesnt like getting into any deep conversations with me. (maybe its too hard for her to face problems?) Maybe going out to eat might do the trick, its definitely worth a try!
That is a good point about the relationship thing...
Nope not dating right now so that cant be a problem 😉
Good idea I will try to be nice without being critical. Its hard to always do but i will try!!
Thank you for your great ideas rosepetal5!! 😀

rosepetal5

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Post Re: Tips please!
on: May 31, 2013, 5:46 PM

Glad I could help. I understand how relationships can change after seminary; it can be really hard.
Does she like to shop? Or is there something else she likes to do?
Maybe just start by spending time with her. Don't attempt deep conversations, just spend time together. Maybe that will lead to her being more comfortable talking to you.
Hopefully she'll respond to that. If not, I do have some other ideas.

basmelech

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Post Re: Tips please!
on: May 31, 2013, 6:50 PM

Oh that is a fantastic idea except that she doesnt like shopping with me cause we have different "styles".
I will try the spending time thing its a great idea to start without deep conversations! 🙂
Thank you for your help!
Have a good Shabbos! 🙂

patcha

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on: June 1, 2013, 10:08 PM

basmelech: I read this topic to my sisters, and they said we should definitely give advice because we have the best sibling relationships ever, despite being about as different as genetically similar people could get.

First thing is, you need to realize that your sister is a person. That means she has her own perspective and opinions, and probably likes to talk about them. Ask her about them! Do you know who your sister's friends are? Do you know who her favorite teacher is and what she likes to do in her spare time? Ask her how her day went.

Second thing, is quantity time. We spend a lot of time together, even if I'm on the computer and they're on the phone, we're in the same room. That doesn't mean they know everything going on in my life. But they know when something is going on, and I know when they're upset about something, and we're there to talk if we want to.

Third thing - do something together. We go on walks and little trips to the park etc. a lot and can easily spend hours shmoozing about nothing. Sometimes we stay up late and blast music and dance together. (our parents do not approve of this)

Fourth - don't try to change them. We're all very different and we have to accept each other. I use the internet, she doesn't - that's great for her, and this is great for me. We do tell each other when something bothers us. My sister will tell me that she doesn't think a particular expression is nice to use, but she isn't judging me, just telling me her feelings. You want to be able to do that with your sister.

Fifth - realize that this isn't forever. Someday, you will live in different places and only be able to talk on the phone and visit. So value the time you have now, it is a gift!

Finally, you sound like a great sister, so don't worry. I'm sure she'll come to love spending time with you!

keepsmilin-
g123

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Post Re: Tips please!
on: June 1, 2013, 10:27 PM

Gut voch!
Does anyone have any advice for the exact OPPOSITE problem? I have a teenage sister and she wants to be involved in EVERY aspect of my life. By nature, I am a much more private person so it does bother me when she wants to know everything. There's a fine line between "sharing with your sister" and "that's my personal life".
I spent more than 1 year in Eretz Yisrael (this is my first year back) and we share a room so that doesn't help matters.
Any tips?

patcha

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on: June 1, 2013, 10:33 PM

keepsmiling: She probably really admires you and wants to be connected with you. That's a great problem to have!
Could you say something like, "I appreciate your interest but this is a personal issue and I'd appreciate your giving me the space to keep it private"?

keepsmilin-
g123

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Post Re: Tips please!
on: June 1, 2013, 10:37 PM

I could try, but it's the type she'd get insulted.....
I have a feeling that this is just something I will have to live with until IY"H I move out and find a different roommate 🙂

patcha

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on: June 1, 2013, 10:43 PM

keepsmiling: But it's not insulting. It's good communication skills. And good practice for marriage for both of you, if that's your motivation for doing things.

If you're upset about something, it is far better for your relationship to tell her, than go years with the annoyance and not feel positively towards her. And respecting others' privacy is an important lesson for her to learn now, in a safe environment.

keepsmilin-
g123

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Post Re: Tips please!
on: June 1, 2013, 10:56 PM

Don't worry - it's more "annoying" than it is "upsetting"......

basmelech

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Post Re: Tips please!
on: June 1, 2013, 11:01 PM

Thanks patcha im so happy for you that you have such a great relationship with your sister! 🙂 And keepsmiling123 its interesting that you have the opposite problem this shows that though it may be annoying at times she loves you very much! I really wish I would have a better relationship with my sister. I guess H-shem is giving me time to work on this now before I get married.

rosepetal5

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Post Re: Tips please!
on: June 2, 2013, 12:26 AM

keepsmiling123: You may need to set specific boundaries with her if you're sharing a room and she's getting too involved. Obviously you'd have to be careful of her feelings, but you still need you're privacy.
Setting up specific times to spend time with her may help. Then she'll feel like you're there for her without it being too much. Even if she is annoying and trying to get too close, try not to get to angry or upset; that could just make things worse.
You may need the help of a parent or another relative if you need to set boundaries. Hopefully she'll respect you're privacy and feelings, but sometimes a parent's help is needed.
Good luck!

Gayil

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Post Re: Tips please!
on: June 2, 2013, 12:37 AM

Firstly! I fully agree that UR sis loves u...i think maybe she is asking for ur attention...she might not really care or want to know all about ur life.its possible she just wants to spend time or shmooze.
I had a sit where my sis was being very annoying &i didn't realize that she wanted my attention.mind u shes older than me and later told me!,i was asking for ur attention!:);););).

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