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Author Topic: Too Involved
Esther

Dating Maven

Posts: 79
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Post Too Involved

Every time a new name comes up, my whole family seems to get into. Everyone knows all his info and all the ins and outs of checking into him. It's a family affair! Yes, I know they're excited (I'm the oldest), but I feel like this doesn't really have anything to do with them. It's my decision. I'm the one who needs to like the info. I hear and decide if I want to go out. I don't need to hear my 10th grade sister's opinion! 😡 Am I wrong?!

feigy123

Dating Coach

Posts: 553
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Post Re: Too Involved

You are right. You should tell your parents that they are not respecting your privacy. If it continues, you should say that you are disinviting even your parents from the conversation, and that you will manage alone.

Really, it is ridiculous that parents are involved at all. You wouldn't trust your mother to buy you a skirt--do you really think she has a say in your spouse? We don't live in Poland anymore; you didn't grow up in your parents home, you grew up in school, and have a life outside the home. For better or worse, that is the reality.

Shaindy

Dating Maven

Posts: 67
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Post Re: Too Involved

Quote from feigy123 on February 1, 2013, 4:15 PM
We don't live in Poland anymore

I love that one feigy123
Not sure I agree though. They did go through something you didn't go through. They will likely realize things are important that you don't.

thinkingBY-
girl

Dating Coach

Posts: 607
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Post Re: Too Involved

If you trust your parents' opinion, and they are doing the research for you, then you should be grateful and let them know that. However, you are correct in that it does not need to be a whole family affair and your younger siblings should not be involved. You could exclude everyone from your dating life, but depending on how close you are with your family, it might take awhile for them to understand this decision since it sounds like they are included in everything else in your life. Explain that this is different and be patient with them. Share details/decisions that you are comfortable sharing, like when your date is and what you should wear. They'll understand eventually that you need your space with this.

Bayla

Dating Maven

Posts: 84
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Post Re: Too Involved

Feigy, some people have a very warm and close relationship with their mother. After all a mother does want what is best for her child. And I believe that a mother should be involved in her daughters Shidduch. How would you feel if you provided for your daughter the first 19 years of her life and then she just told you to get lost? I am not saying that the mother should make decisions for her daughter but to be involved in her daughters life partner? Of course! Our mothers know us best and want whats best for us so how can we go wrong? I know that sometimes we want independence and space and that's fine, sometimes we need to just convey that message in a respectful manner. Anyway..hope I was clear.

feigy123

Dating Coach

Posts: 553
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Post Re: Too Involved

Of course she wants what is best. The real question is whether she knows you best. If you think that is true for your relationship with your mother, I am very happy for you. I don't think that is true for me though, and I don't think it is true for most of my friends.

That was why I use the "skirt test"; if you wouldn't trust her to shop for your skirts, would you really trust her to shop for your pants.

feigy123

Dating Coach

Posts: 553
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Post Re: Too Involved

If the skirt test doesn't convince you, then think about when you were choosing a degree or a job. Of course you were interested in your parents input (as well as your friends, siblings, etc), but the decision was all yours, no? And you would not have been comfortable abdicating large parts of the decision to your mother. And similarly when you chose a seminary.

Also, as regards the wanting what is best for you: while I won't disagree with that, it could use a tad of skepticism. After all, we've all heard of those boys' mothers who are looking for a girl who is size zero, and none of us think that is what is best for the boys. So do the mothers only want what is best for their daughters but not their sons? That's not fair.

Sari

Dating Maven

Posts: 181
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Post Re: Too Involved

I thinks it's important for everyone here to realize that we all come from different families and were all raised differently. What's good and fine for one of us, might be suffocating to another. Each one of us are in total different situations - everyone's different in every way! With that said, if someone is NOT using their mother's advice when it comes to shidduchim that's fine, AS LONG AS SHE IS SEEKING SOMEONE ELSE'S ADVICE. I think it is extremely Gayvadik for a person to think that they can make all the decisions in this parsha alone. We need to understand that because we have not been married, there really is a certain dimension that we are going to need a married person's input on. Of course I'm not saying that you can't decide anything on your own, but it's definately important to run things by someone whose been there and done that.

thinkingBY-
girl

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Posts: 607
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Post Re: Too Involved

Quote from Sari on February 3, 2013, 9:19 AM
I thinks it's important for everyone here to realize that we all come from different families and were all raised differently. What's good and fine for one of us, might be suffocating to another. Each one of us are in total different situations - everyone's different in every way! With that said, if someone is NOT using their mother's advice when it comes to shidduchim that's fine, AS LONG AS SHE IS SEEKING SOMEONE ELSE'S ADVICE. I think it is extremely Gayvadik for a person to think that they can make all the decisions in this parsha alone. We need to understand that because we have not been married, there really is a certain dimension that we are going to need a married person's input on. Of course I'm not saying that you can't decide anything on your own, but it's definately important to run things by someone whose been there and done that.

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