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Author Topic: Real Friends
growing

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Post Real Friends
on: June 24, 2013, 8:58 PM

Ever since my best friend got married I've been craving a deep relationship with someone. But it seems like nobody else is. Like I have a lot of friends but since we were just friendly for so long I'm having a hard time taking it to the next level. Any tips?

yaeli

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Post Re: Real Friends
on: June 24, 2013, 9:41 PM

O wow that sounds really rough, I think I can relate to what you are feeling, I am always wanting deeper relationships with some of my friends but I stink at it, and I recently was drifting apart from a close close friend that I finally did have and it hurts so much. In any case, little tips that i think help is to be open about yourself and listen well to them and ask questions about what they are saying. And to be in moment with them as much as possible. All those tools i think eventually help with dating too. Hatzlacha in figuring everything out!

s.

Dating Maven

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Post Re: Real Friends
on: June 26, 2013, 8:24 AM

hmm...good points yaeli! but i sometimes feel that i wont be able to have such a deep relationship again until I am married....but thats not necessarily true, hopefully. its just hard to really share in that way with other girls your age when so many things need to be private (like specific details about your dating life..which i do think should be kept private) or even money situations, and family situations.

I used to hate that people wouldnt share things with each other b/c of fear of what people would think in shidduchim, or jobs, or community standing..but in a way i think its a good thing that at this stage in life people start to sort of limit how much they share, even with their closest friends. (also a lot of it comes under lashon hara- like I cant complain about something my mother said to my friends, you know?)

..but i think all of this is definitely coming in the way of close, meaningful relationships...i dont know, i dont really see a way out! there must be a better way though..does anyone have any good advice about that? like who do people share with? and how much? i feel like this is also preparation for when we are married, when you shouldn't go complain to your parents about your husband..or let your friends in on every detail of your married life...

Chanz

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Post Re: Real Friends
on: June 26, 2013, 2:09 PM

There are many other meaningful topics of conversation besides for dating. And there is no reason to not to talk about dating. I am a very private person. I wouldn't tell any of my friends the details of my dating life. But there are hopes and dreams and aspirations. If you go to a shiur and bring that up with a friend, that will usually be a springboard for discussion about the topic of the shiur. And that leads to other topics. You can learn something with a friend. Or you can talk about kibud av vaeim, which at this point in life is not always easy, not specific things parents did wrong. Ask for ideas to help yourself respond better when they do things you don't like. That's not lashon hara. YOu can leave out exactly what mom or dad did/said or didn't do/say. If you are involved in a chesed (and I don't like talking about what I do either) but you can ask your friends for ideas of what to keep busy with. I don't think a meaningful relationship has to be one where all your secrets are revealed. Not everything is private though. There are many other topics besides shidduchim. I talk to my friends and that rarely comes up unless one of us needs to vent.

hannahr

Dating Maven

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Post Re: Real Friends
on: June 28, 2013, 5:44 PM

While I do know that it's tough when your best friend gets married- your relationship will never be EXACTLY the same- I hope you're not giving up on your best friend. Keep in touch, even if she doesn't seem to be initiating. Try to get together with her when it's convenient for her. You guys have a separation now, so you need to work twice as hard to make sure it can work.

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