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Author Topic: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
dazzleme21

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Post Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 5, 2013, 11:17 PM

My sister got married a few months ago bh! and she is the first in my family to,so now I got a brother in law! I am the only other girl besides for my sis in the family .my brothers are fine with my brother in law and my parents and of course my sister who is married to him.but for me it is AWKWARD!! any ideas or tips of how to act around brother in laws???? sometimes it can be so awkward because he is not my real brother so I cant just talk to him but he is a brother in law so I cant ignore him.Is anyone else in a similiar situation????

todarabbah

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 6, 2013, 12:27 AM

Mazel tov on your sister! It's definitely a new situation for you and you probably find it hard to just act around your family like you always do when your brother in law is there. Just be yourself and be polite.You don't need to force anything or do anything different. After a while you'll probably be so used to him and view him just like your other brothers.

moori

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 6, 2013, 12:27 AM

been there, still are (they're fairly newly married but a bit longer), it gets better. for you, it's the first in law in the family. i at least had sisters in law before i got a brother in law. anyone new in the family is an adjustment. i think it depends on the personality, but think about how you would treat a male cousin- friendly but within the realms of tznius. for me the biggest loss was no zemiros which wasn't a problem with my sisters in law.

sarala

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 6, 2013, 2:15 AM

Quote from moori on October 6, 2013, 12:27 AM
been there, still are (they're fairly newly married but a bit longer), it gets better. for you, it's the first in law in the family. i at least had sisters in law before i got a brother in law. anyone new in the family is an adjustment. i think it depends on the personality, but think about how you would treat a male cousin- friendly but within the realms of tznius. for me the biggest loss was no zemiros which wasn't a problem with my sisters in law.

right... it depends what kind of level of tznius you want to maintain. Some of my sisters/sisters-in-law are totally comfortable and shmooze away with bil/bros and others are just "warmly civil" i guess you'd call it. ya kno, they wont shmooze stam ever but they say hello etc so it's not awkward just not at all friends or shmoozy

basmelech

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 6, 2013, 11:57 AM

Quote from sarala on October 6, 2013, 2:15 AM
right... it depends what kind of level of tznius you want to maintain. Some of my sisters/sisters-in-law are totally comfortable and shmooze away with bil/bros and others are just "warmly civil" i guess you'd call it. ya kno, they wont shmooze stam ever but they say hello etc so it's not awkward just not at all friends or shmoozy

I dont understand. If I was the wife of the "brother in law" i would feel very uncomfortable if all this "shmoozing" was going on with my husband. I mean how many levels are there to tznius?
Being friendly and nice and polite is enough i think to make a brother in law feel comfortable without overstepping boundaries, once you get used to a brother in law it will be less awkward iy"H.

sem613

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 6, 2013, 12:10 PM

i think it also depends how close you are to your sister and what the age difference. I don't have any brother-in-laws, but I watch how my sister-in-law and single brother interact. My brothers are very close, so my single brother often goes to them for shabbos meals, and she treats him somehwere between little brother and younger cousin.
so fully dressed, no singing, no touching obviously, but lots of kibbutzing and making fun of each other. but they dont really have any deep conversations. its a hard line, but its there

dazzleme21

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 6, 2013, 2:19 PM

thanx everyone! keep the posts coming!! todarabbah thanx! 😀 ye exactly ! thats how i feel im myself around my family but the minute he walks in the room I feel awkward and not sure how to act i hope ill get used to him more and more and feel more comfterble but i x know if i will end up feeling like he is my real brother moori- i hear you sounds good i will try to think of it that way as a male cousin even though i x really talk to my male cousins i can imagine what u mean by that! but hes my sisters hub so it still feels like a different level. and the boy part is the wakward part a sis in law is a girl so i x feel awkward like that would just be getting to kno s/o typ.... sarala i hear but i try to be warm civil but even thats still awkward .

dazzleme21

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 6, 2013, 2:25 PM

basmelech true!! i hear that i kno s/o who was very shmoozy with her BIL and her sis told her to plz stop being so shmoozy with him.which was her husband.I hope so !! and prob once they start having kids iyh will also help.
sem613 im am very close to my sis becasuse she is my only sis and eventhough were like 5 yrs apart we shared a room and are very close!-- is your brother younger than ur sis in law? bec i am younger than my BIL but i can marry s/o his age , i was read people his age ,its not like hes way older than me if he was i wud prob feel ike a kid next to him and wud be less awkward

sem613

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 6, 2013, 3:34 PM

my sil is a only a few yrs older than my bro, but he hasn't dated yet, so he's still very childlike in some ways. Also, theres a certain level of they only interact when my married brother is also there or if i am, as in they wont have a conversation with just the two of them, they'll just join into what is already a "family conversation"

sarala

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 6, 2013, 6:43 PM

for sure age makes such a difference.

basmelech, i just meant that diff families (or even diff ppl w/in the same fam sometimes) have diff standards

I have to say the comfort level by a SIL is just so much easier (when we shmooze it's my bro my SIL and me which for us is ttly fine)

basmelech

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 6, 2013, 7:40 PM

Ok thanks for clarifying 🙂

dazzleme21

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 6, 2013, 9:56 PM

i hear that sem613 once the whole family is talking its less awkward to join then just me my sis and him but even then i x add as much to the convo as i normally wud.. sarala-right its true im sure more chasidish families and modern families and yeshivish hav different standards. right bec then the boy is ur brother! a brother and bil are sooo different! people told me it will get better when i get married and hav a husband iyh so then our hubs can talk together ... will be less awkward but until then.... wud anyone ever text their BIL???

princessch-
arming

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 6, 2013, 11:30 PM

for sure! i text my bil...not to be friendly but if I need anything or have to ask a specific question, I for sure would. I guess as years go on, you get more comfortable with them. My brother in law has been my brother in law for many years...

in the gap

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 7, 2013, 9:37 AM

My brother in law has been mine for a few years, and has even lived in my house for long periods of time, but i still don't really ever talk to him more than what I have to regarding their kids.

dazzleme21

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 7, 2013, 5:29 PM

princess charming o ye i guess i only texted him bec my sis x have a phone so when we want them to know something and they dont answer i have to text because no one els in my family has texting.but i really dont llike doing it. in the gap o i guess people have differnet standards after years and kids later. would anyone ever play a game with their BIL if the rest of ur family like ur siblings are playing like apples to apples ???

bibliophil-
e02

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 8, 2013, 12:48 AM

I don't have a sister so I guess I'll never really understand, but why wouldn't you include your brother-in-law in the game? He probably feels more awkward than you do because you've all known each other for years and he's like the outsider. Try to welcome him as much as you can.

dazzleme21

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 8, 2013, 1:05 AM

I don't have a sister so I guess I'll never really understand, but why wouldn't you include your brother-in-law in the game? He probably feels more awkward than you do because you've all known each other for years and he's like the outsider. Try to welcome him as much as you can.

no i meant it as the opposite evryone including my BIL was playing all my siblings and i x kno if it was appropriate for me to join bec it was my brothers and sis who is married to him ,then there was me so i was thinking should i join?? is it appropriate to ?

life123

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 8, 2013, 10:56 AM

I think that it is natural to join in any conversation that your family members are having, or a game your family is playing. I wouldn't (at least until they'd been married a while) start a conversation with him alone, or play a game with just him and one other person - but the fact that your a single girl shouldn't leave you out of family games or discussions.

dazzleme21

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 8, 2013, 9:17 PM

I think that it is natural to join in any conversation that your family members are having, or a game your family is playing. I wouldn't (at least until they'd been married a while) start a conversation with him alone, or play a game with just him and one other person - but the fact that your a single girl shouldn't leave you out of family games or discussions.

thanx for the advice! good bec i x want it to leave me out of them but wasnt sure if it was appropriate for me to .!

dschecht13

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Post Re: Brother in laws-it can be AWKWARD!
on: October 11, 2013, 3:20 AM

As someone who has 5 brother in laws BH! I can tell you that they will come to care about you as if you are their sister not by marriage. At the end of the day treat them like a brother, but keep that distance of tznius. You don't have to involve them in discussions that make you uncomfortable, but remember you gained one person he gained a whole new family. Enjoy getting to know him without crossing any boundaries that make you uncomfortable. There are BIL's that I am closer to and ones who I barely exchange a word with it all depends on personality. B' Hatzlacha 😉

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