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Author Topic: BFF & DATING
Gayil

Dating Maven

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Post BFF & DATING
on: June 2, 2013, 1:09 AM

I wanted to know your opinion on if to tell ur frnds ur dating? I have 2 very close frnds . I wud personally not say...but theyd get insulted if not ..on the other hand they say there is more beracha when u keep it quite ! What shud I do????????

in the gap

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Post Re: BFF & DATING
on: June 2, 2013, 7:16 AM

As a general rule i feel that it is best to keep such things quiet and if they are real friends then they will understand and not get insulted. For starters as you pointed out "ein habracha shruya ella hasamoi minhayin", and also since the last thing someone needs is advice from her friends. Once you tell them about it, they will try to give advice that most likely is not going to be the most helpful. Unless if your friend is much older and wiser, and has experience as a married woman preferably with married children of her own, she may try to push you in the wrong direction and advice you incorrectly, (even if not on purpose.)

rosepetal5

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Post Re: BFF & DATING
on: June 2, 2013, 9:38 AM

I have to say, i really don't like it when friends don't talk about when they're dating, especially when it's serious. It makes me feel like they're hiding something or leaving me out of a serious part of their life. I can understand not wanting the advice, but it's such an important step, I think it's important to share it with the people who mean something to you. You don't have to give details, but at least let them know when you're dating, and make it clear that you don't want advice that you don't ask for. Unless you have an understanding with your friends and they know you won't talk about it, be careful what you don't say. It's very hard for friends to be kept out of the loop.
It's especially hard if their friend gets engaged and they didn't know they were dating.

patcha

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Post Re: BFF & DATING
on: June 2, 2013, 1:08 PM

rosepetal: completely disagree. You are developing a very delicate and private relationship and it should be as private as possible.

as for getting advice, of course you should, but you also need to use common sense and do what you feel is right to a certain extent.

basmelech

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Post Re: BFF & DATING
on: June 2, 2013, 2:29 PM

Quote from in the gap on June 2, 2013, 7:16 AM
As a general rule i feel that it is best to keep such things quiet and if they are real friends then they will understand and not get insulted. For starters as you pointed out "ein habracha shruya ella hasamoi minhayin", and also since the last thing someone needs is advice from her friends. Once you tell them about it, they will try to give advice that most likely is not going to be the most helpful. Unless if your friend is much older and wiser, and has experience as a married woman preferably with married children of her own, she may try to push you in the wrong direction and advice you incorrectly, (even if not on purpose.)

Very well said! There is a big bracha in keeping things quiet. And especially since this a very important part of your life you dont want to take any chances!! If you want advice please do like inthegap said and ask someone older and wiser. Hatzlacha! 🙂

rosepetal5

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Post Re: BFF & DATING
on: June 2, 2013, 3:44 PM

Quote from patcha on June 2, 2013, 1:08 PM
rosepetal: completely disagree. You are developing a very delicate and private relationship and it should be as private as possible.

But your relationship doesn't exist in a bubble. It is important to still be a functioning human being and have friends who are a part of your lives. You can't completely separate everything like that. And as private as your relationship should be, you should still be able to share the fact that you are in a relationship with the people you care most about.
Isolating is never a good thing.
I'm not saying you need to share the nitty gritty details if you don't want to. But at least let your friends know when you begin to date. It's an important step and they deserve to know.

basmelech

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Post Re: BFF & DATING
on: June 2, 2013, 5:06 PM

Quote from rosepetal5 on June 2, 2013, 3:44 PM

Quote from patcha on June 2, 2013, 1:08 PM
rosepetal: completely disagree. You are developing a very delicate and private relationship and it should be as private as possible.

But your relationship doesn't exist in a bubble. .......Isolating is never a good thing.
I'm not saying you need to share the nitty gritty details if you don't want to. But at least let your friends know when you begin to date. It's an important step and they deserve to know.

I hear what you are saying rosepetal5. The thing is that this is not Isolating anyone. They will iy"H let people know when they are engaged. If friends know some of the details they will probably know more than just "some details" and that is not good for developing a "delicate and private relationship", like patcha said, with a soon to be husband. If they are true friends they will understand if you want to keep things private. Something that is hidden is blessed theres nothing that says partly hidden is blessed. If you would like to ask advice ask someone older and wiser than you. Friends are there to share in your joy. Its not a good idea to ask them for advice because many of them just dont have that experience, knowledge and impartiality like someone who has been there and done that already. When friends give advice it comes from a more emotional, personal feelings place, than a "what is best for you in this specific situation" that an older wiser mentor would give you.
My suggestion is to keep things as quiet as possible so that you can bring in all the bracha into this special relationship, and when the time is right (ie. engagement) people/friends should be told. If you explain to them that its nothing personal, and tell them your reasons for keeping quiet then they will hopefully understand your position. 🙂

rosepetal5

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Post Re: BFF & DATING
on: June 2, 2013, 5:18 PM

I'm not talking about asking friends for advice. I'm talking about telling your friends when you have started the process so that they know where in life you are.
You have no idea how hurtful it can be to realize that your friend has not shared any important information with you.
Again, not talking about the details of your relationship, just that you are dating!

Gayil

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Post Re: BFF & DATING
on: June 2, 2013, 5:25 PM

What do u think will make frnds less jealous...if u involve them while ur dating or keep it quiet till right before?

rosepetal5

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Post Re: BFF & DATING
on: June 2, 2013, 5:27 PM

I'm not really sure how jealousy fits in here...

basmelech

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Post Re: BFF & DATING
on: June 2, 2013, 6:15 PM

Quote from rosepetal5 on June 2, 2013, 5:18 PM
I'm not talking about asking friends for advice. I'm talking about telling your friends when you have started the process so that they know where in life you are.
You have no idea how hurtful it can be to realize that your friend has not shared any important information with you.
Again, not talking about the details of your relationship, just that you are dating!

I realize what you are trying to say. The thing is that i actually do know firsthand how it feels not to be told important information. And i respect my friend for keeping her privacy. This is not about me and her it is about her and her future husband. I dont think this is something i should be insulted about not being told. Its not like going shopping, having something interesting happen to her and not telling me about it. This is about her and her life not mine. Its none of my business actually, I am happy to hear that she got engaged. Yes if a friend started the dating process its normal to share that, but more than that like when, where, why, how and everything else (ex. 6th date, getting serious...) should be kept private i think. If you say "I am dating now" to your friend i dont think the conversation will just end there. So if you want to keep things private and full of bracha then please dont share the details of your personal dating life with friends. May you merit to meet the right one b'karov, and you should have lots of bracha vekol tov!! 🙂

honey

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Post Re: BFF & DATING
on: June 2, 2013, 10:43 PM

I think you shouldn't tell your friends because beracha comes when not so many people know. Also if your friend is a true friend she'll understand. Or you can tell her I'm dating by I want to keep it a secret so I rather not talk about it. Good Luck!!

Gayil

Dating Maven

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Post Re: BFF & DATING
on: June 2, 2013, 11:29 PM

Thank you e/o for ur input! basmelech! I,ttly agree w u & I wish more ppl thut that way! It wud.make life easier!

basmelech

Dating Coach

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Post Re: BFF & DATING
on: June 3, 2013, 2:49 PM

Im so glad to hear it helped you!! 🙂

bibliophil-
e02

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Post Re: BFF & DATING
on: November 22, 2013, 2:01 AM

I agree with rosepetal5. Your friends should at least know that you have started the shidduch process. If you don't want to tell them anything else, that's your prerogative (and if they're truly your friends, they won't push you). On the other hand, you may want to tell them a little, but not too much, or you may want to share everything with them. All of these approaches are legitimate. I just don't understand this thing about there being "bracha" in keeping everything completely private. I mean, do you keep it private when you get a new job, or when you buy a house? These are important milestones in life. Of course you are not going to tell your friends the intimate details of what you talk about with the guy you are dating, just as you wouldn't go around revealing confidential information from work. But I personally think it's unnatural to conceal the fact that you are dating-- especially because your friends may have brothers who would be shayach for you! But she can't make the shidduch if she doesn't know you're in the parsha, or if you indicate to her that you want her involvement in your dating life to be literally zero. I do know a girl who married her friend's older brother. Her friend didn't make the shidduch, but once it was suggested and they started dating she was very involved.

sem613

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Post Re: BFF & DATING
on: November 22, 2013, 7:33 AM

my general rule is if a friend is also dating (or already engaged/married) I'll tell them straight out since they tend to have good advice and ideas, but if a friend isn't dating yet, I just hint it and let them figure it out themselves, but dont discuss it with them

DeepThinke-
r

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Post Re: BFF & DATING
on: November 22, 2013, 9:34 AM

Ok i agree with both sides - yes there is bracha in something that it is hidden but i know how i would feel if my freind kept me out of the loop when something gets serious so i know i have to say something to my really close freinds. However if i know a friend of mine hasnt dated yet (not because she didnt "start shidduchim" but rather bec of the shidduch crisis and unfortunatley never dated...then i will NOT tell her because i would feel bad knowing she never crossed this milestone. One very close freind tells me by each date and therefore i would tell her another freind we agreed to tell each other when things get serious...but cmon all of you if your best freind called u one night and tells u im getting engaged tom! wouldnt u be upset? hurt? I lknow i would so i wouldnt do it to my close freinds! You have to be careful with other peoples feelings as much as you want to keep bracha to yourself- if you know a freind will be deeply hurt i think it is wrong to do it to them and not tell them a word. Its cruel- again if you know for a fact she will be hurt- i know i would just start crying!(if it was a very close freind of mine...)

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