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Author Topic: Traveling for a boy
daysfan24

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Post Traveling for a boy
on: February 23, 2014, 8:42 PM

I don't know if this has been brought up, I'm sure it has. My apologies to the original poster!

I'm just curious- would you be willing to travel for a boy?

So before I was all ok- I'm going to be proactive and go to the guy and I even told a shadchen that. So short story this guy had the impression I would travel to him. This was the time though that someone told me that she thinks its disrespectful and she tells the guy that it is not right and that the guy should be gong to see the girl first and that is the Jewish way. I was with her a 1000 % So I decided I'm not doing it anymore and told the guy if I'm ever in NY then i'll let him know but i'm not going just to travel for a specific guy.

I'm just curious, I know its to each their own but was wondering what everyone's take was on it.

waiting-
game

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: February 23, 2014, 11:19 PM

Ok there was a whole forum on this so i'm not gonna go into specifics here, but in short, i think it's really silly to let distance get in the way of pursuing a shidduch! One of you should be mevater and travel so if you see it's not gonna be him, then perhaps since you originally said you would travel, you should just go ahead with it... if you find the other forum, i wrote a whole story to prove that distance shudn't get in the way!

daysfan24

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: February 24, 2014, 6:35 AM

Thanks for the response waiting-game. I'll try looking for it for the more responses. I agree with you, at the same time, that's kinda of a reflection of how the relationship might me. I mean he can't get off his lazy tuchus to go travel to the girl? What else can't he do? It's just kinda of a respect thing, and I'm seeing more and more how a lot of boys don't have it.

bibliophil-
e02

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: February 24, 2014, 11:32 AM

I really don't see any reason why it should be davka the boy who has to travel. Obviously if you don't live in the same city one of you is going to have to do it. Many factors could be involved, including work/school schedules of each of you, plus financial considerations, etc. If it goes well and you want to keep seeing each other, you should both travel (switching off) for fairness.

I know of some people who ask that if they are going to travel, that the other side commit to 2 dates or 3 dates. I respect this POV, especially if it is a really far distance. Imagine spending a lot of time and money on travel only to be rejected after one date...

Basically, I just would not get hung up over this. Is it worth deferring a shidduch that could potentially be your last one until you "happen to be in NY"? Who says the guy will even be available to go out when you "happen to be in NY" next?

As far as this goes: "I mean he can't get off his lazy tuchus to go travel to the girl? What else can't he do? It's just kinda of a respect thing, and I'm seeing more and more how a lot of boys don't have it." Switch the genders and what do you get? See what I mean? I just don't understand the double standard.

waiting-
game

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: February 24, 2014, 7:03 PM

Why does he owe you any more respect than you owe him?
And who says his not travelling has ANYTHING to do with respect? or laziness?
Do you KNOW why he can't travel? Do you have any idea what's stopping him? or are you assuming it's laziness?
Keep in mind that when he said yes to the shidduch, it was with the understanding that you would travel. Then "SOMEONE" decides to put their 2 cents in and tells you he is being disrespectful. (CLASSIC example of ppl meddling into shidduchim when it's TOTALLY inappropriate and not their place at all!) She then tells this to him, but for whatever reason, he isn't able to drop what he's doing at the time- so you say omg he's SO disrespectful! (Why? because that "someone" put that into your head). I don't know what makes it a "Jewish" way to make the guy travel (it was actually my understanding that the girl should travel so he should not have to disrupt his learning too much...) but in any case, shidduchim is not something that u shud just throw around like this... you don't have to play hard to get... you don't have to judge his midos before you meet him...
and i don't mean any disrespect to you, or any other girl, (or myself for that matter...) but he probably has 20 other girls' resumes lined up waiting for him and as girls (or at least myself and my friends and family) who are in a position where suggestions are scarce, we should not be so quick to drop a guy so quickly without meeting him.

howmuchlon-
ger

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: February 24, 2014, 9:51 PM

I agree with most of what bibliophil-e02 and waiting game said.

Reasons really make a difference- YOURS and His. I don't think a blanket rule that you don't/ won't travel to meet someone is going to hurt anyone other than yourself. If something has potential and you can travel and he can not, why punish yourself?
There can be so many reasons why someone can't travel, and if you also can't travel and you're comfortable pushing it off until next time you can that's one thing.If it doesn't seem worth your while to travel also may be a factor, you can have reasons or use your judgement when to say yes and when not, but judge each case individually and don't say "Boys are Lazy"as your excuse. Their excuse can be "Girls don't care enough or who knows what.... If you haven't met the excuses you can make up about each other are endless...

I find that the less rules you make for yourself, the less rules you'll need to break.

OTM

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: February 25, 2014, 11:15 AM

Based on what you are writing, it seems like you are the one living out of town and he's the one in town. In that case, it would seem appropriate for you to travel to him as opposed to him coming out of town to you. In fact, there are so many out of town girls boarding In Brooklyn or other In town areas for this exact reason....and c'mon! Haven't got any shopping to do locally while you're at it?! What's he supp to do all day in your area?

daysfan24

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: February 25, 2014, 3:08 PM

ok ok, so you guys changed my mind :). Anyone have any other opposing views ( that agrees with me ?? lol) I'm not trying to put down his middos, and the way I explained it, it came off wrong. I know that he told me in the beginning of the convo he likes to travel and then when we were talking about seeing each other at the end, he said, " I don't really travel..so". It sounded like he was contradicted himself there. And yes there can be multitude of answers as to why he can't. Just in my mind the guy should be going out of the way to pursue the girl. not saying the girl shouldn't do the same, but in mind I feel like it is sort of a respect thing. But I deff see what you guys are saying, and I totally agree with you guys as well. So I am kinda of on the fence about it. But yes, he WAS under the impression I was coming to him stated by the matchmaker. So yeah its a little different.

Anyways I texted him the next day telling him I changed my mind and I would be able to come and travel, which is so weird now because we kinda of already ended the match ( this was through SYAS ) so I'm kinda of going on a limb and going out of my way to pursuing him even more ( ie texting him, seeing whens a good time to come etc etc) So I do regret saying no in the beginning because now it's just uncomfortable. But we'll see what happens. I didn't want to risk losing this shiddach.. so..

daysfan24

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: February 25, 2014, 3:11 PM

Quote from waiting game on February 24, 2014, 7:03 PM
Why does he owe you any more respect than you owe him?
And who says his not travelling has ANYTHING to do with respect? or laziness?
Do you KNOW why he can't travel? Do you have any idea what's stopping him? or are you assuming it's laziness?
Keep in mind that when he said yes to the shidduch, it was with the understanding that you would travel. Then "SOMEONE" decides to put their 2 cents in and tells you he is being disrespectful. (CLASSIC example of ppl meddling into shidduchim when it's TOTALLY inappropriate and not their place at all!) She then tells this to him, but for whatever reason, he isn't able to drop what he's doing at the time- so you say omg he's SO disrespectful! (Why? because that "someone" put that into your head). I don't know what makes it a "Jewish" way to make the guy travel (it was actually my understanding that the girl should travel so he should not have to disrupt his learning too much...) but in any case, shidduchim is not something that u shud just throw around like this... you don't have to play hard to get... you don't have to judge his midos before you meet him...
and i don't mean any disrespect to you, or any other girl, (or myself for that matter...) but he probably has 20 other girls' resumes lined up waiting for him and as girls (or at least myself and my friends and family) who are in a position where suggestions are scarce, we should not be so quick to drop a guy so quickly without meeting him.

right, I hear you waiting game- you made awesome points. And its true. I'm definitely not playing hard to get. I just also want to come off as, I'll do whatever you want without hearing a really valid reason as to why he couldn't. If I heard one, I wouldn't be as nearly as critical. And I know you're not trying to disrespect me, thank you for bringing up your points. I appreciate it. To everyone else, also, thank you for the advice!

waiting-
game

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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: February 25, 2014, 10:14 PM

Oh yay!! I'm so happy to hear that you gave it some more thought!! Hatzlacha raba! keep us posted!

daysfan24

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Posts: 134
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Post Re: Traveling for a boy
on: February 26, 2014, 7:21 PM

thanks! 🙂 will do BN

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