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Author Topic: The best dating advice youll ever get: Be Normal
feigy123

Dating Coach

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Post The best dating advice youll ever get: Be Normal

A girl once approached me and asked me to teach her all about dating while she stood on one foot. I answered: Be normal, זה כלל גדול in dating, and the rest is commentary.

I think a problem many daters have is they treat dating as this regimented activity with strict rules that delineate every part of the contact. This leads to miscommunication and misunderstanding, because nobody knows what the secret rules are (is there consensus on this site or any other frum site?), and because the rules are invariably ridiculous in half the contexts under which they will arise.

Every time a question comes up, you should begin by asking yourself: what would a normal person do in this situation? Almost invariably, the answer will become clear.

Let's do some examples:

1. Guy says he will take you somewhere where you are uncomfortable going (to eat, bowling, bungee jumping, etc.). What would you do if he was just your friend and wanted to go there, and you didn't want to go? What would you do if you were engaged and he wanted to do that and you didn't want to? You'd say, "I'm sorry, I'd rather not do that; it makes me feel _____". So that's what you should do here. You should do what normal people do when they are asked to go somewhere that makes them uncomfortable.

2. You walk into bagel store and guy is sitting there with his mother. What do normal people do when they walk into a bagel store and see somebody they know sitting with their mother? You go over, say hello and how do you do, and walk away.

3. Guy shows up with car seats in the back. What do normal people do when someone picks them up in a car that has car seats? You make a joke about it, and move on with life.

4. You want to break up, but are embarrassed to. What do normal people do when they want to leave a group or association with someone? They suck it up, and do it.

Being a normal person makes all the etiquette questions obvious, and makes for clear understanding between the two of you, so that you can progress to and focus on the hard part--forming a relationship and deciding if the relationship is right for you.

Good luck.

Bracha613

Dating Maven

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Post Re: The best dating advice youll ever get: Be Normal

Feigy you crack me up!

feigy123

Dating Coach

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Post Re: The best dating advice youll ever get: Be Normal

Thanks!

Shaindy

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Post Re: The best dating advice youll ever get: Be Normal

I think you need to take a chill pill because it may be easy for you tell everybody to be normal but the fact is that the entire dating sitch is not normal at all! The shidduch world is a facade. Whether we like it or not that is what it is. Agreed? If yes, let's move on. The girl gets made up the guy puts on a suit and tie..rents a car..looks his best and smells his best. Is that how we NORMALLY look? No! But, don't say come on lets me normal..because as I mentioned earlier this whole thing is a facade. Therefore when such situations arise..like the ones that you mentioned above we girls are never sure if we should just "be normal" or if continue on with that facade. If we do decide to continue on it leaves us questioning ourselves as to what exactly is the way to do so. I hope I explained that well..

feigy123

Dating Coach

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Post Re: The best dating advice youll ever get: Be Normal

That's a good point. Let me think about that.

shono

Dater

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Post Re: The best dating advise youll ever get: Be Normal
on: February 10, 2013, 3:42 PM

i wish there was some way to make shidduch dating normal!!

smile19

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Post Re: The best dating advise youll ever get: Be Normal
on: February 14, 2013, 10:59 AM

Hey Im very out going funny but the thought of going out with someone makes me nurvouse cuz Im scars I'll talk to much or the joke Was not his type I also get nervous x to act my crazy fun self cuz thn he won't no the real me . Eny advice to clam my nerves b4 going out??

feigy123

Dating Coach

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Post Re: The best dating advice youll ever get: Be Normal
on: February 14, 2013, 11:04 AM

A few drinks? just kidding. You'll be fine on the date--after a while you'll relax and loosen up anyway. It's ok if he doesn't get the full picture on the first date. He's also nervous.

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: The best dating advice youll ever get: Be Normal
on: February 14, 2013, 7:56 PM

Quote from smile19 on February 14, 2013, 10:59 AM
Hey Im very out going funny but the thought of going out with someone makes me nurvouse cuz Im scars I'll talk to much or the joke Was not his type I also get nervous x to act my crazy fun self cuz thn he won't no the real me . Eny advice to clam my nerves b4 going out??

Realize that he's just a person like you, and is probably just as nervous. You don't need to show your entire personality on date one, and he won't show his either. If things are meant to be then he will understand this and like what he sees so far, enough to keep going out. As things progress between the two of you, you'll feel more relaxed and at ease to be yourself. I don't know what kind of nervous you're talking about, but if it's bad enough, try deep breathing, mindfulness, or relax with soft music.

smile19

Dater

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Post Re: The best dating advice youll ever get: Be Normal
on: February 15, 2013, 12:47 AM

Wow thank you so much your advice is really helpful!!!!! 🙂 the nerves I'm talking about is me I feel I kinda have to warm up b4 getting to no someone and I feel every one has to but how long should that prosess take?

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: The best dating advice youll ever get: Be Normal
on: February 15, 2013, 1:23 AM

Like you said, it's a process, and there is no formula for it. It's different for every person with every person. You'll know it when you see it. If you have a particular situation you're talking about, I might be able to help you better. It's hard to answer a hypothetical question...

smile19

Dater

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Post Re: The best dating advice youll ever get: Be Normal
on: February 16, 2013, 8:32 PM

Oky I x hav spicifc example right now when I do I'll defently let u no!! I realized tht yh whn I do become cofterble then I'll no it's right one!!! 😛 😛 Thank u!!

heyhey

Dating Maven

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Post Re: The best dating advice youll ever get: Be Normal
on: February 17, 2013, 2:17 AM

i agree. but we all call normal something else... dont we? i might think i am normal and the guy might think im a crazy...?

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