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Author Topic: Attraction
daysfan24

Dating Maven

Posts: 134
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Post Attraction
on: October 14, 2013, 6:49 AM

Ok, so I went out with a guy yesterday, I spent the whole day in NY with him basically. It lasted for around five hrs. ( a little bit longer than planned because I missed my first bus and he waited, which was REALLY nice of him) Anyways, I had a nice time, meaning he was respectful, he joked. He had a pleasant personality.

The only problem is, I wasn't attracted to him. At the end of the day, I was STILL not attracted to him. Through out the entire day, it bothered me. Attraction I know is so important to everyone, and I'm not sure if I'm picker than us. But, I honestly did not see anything by the end of the still. He was so nice, and I wish I saw something, but I didn't. And we had a few things in common, I wouldn't say it was a horrible date, but I don't really classify it as great either. And I know first days are NOT meant to be signified as AMAZING. And I'm not expecting that. But, I just saw the differences in how I viewed other guys to him. I always saw potential by the end of the date. He I did not. and I know attraction grows and all that beautiful stuff. And I know sometimes it CAN be true. I just really don't think it will. And I definitely don't ant to waste his time when I'm leaning towards a no anyways.

So anyways, of course, like others have said in the past, I'm not going to based my sole decision from this forum. But, I really really appreciate if anyone has advice. I really need it to make the right decision. Did any of this happen to you- and you saw attraction after...??

Thanks!

dschecht13

Dating Maven

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Post Re: Attraction
on: October 14, 2013, 8:21 AM

Hi Daysfan24. Yes this has happened to me, recently in fact. I went out with a guy a few times, and the first few time I was really not attracted to him B'chal, and I was like no I don't want to settle, but there was good things. So I asked my Rav and he said don't give up yet. We went another time, and I had a great time, and that was when I started to feel attracted to him. In the end it didn't work out for other reasons. I would say if possible after consulting with your mentor/ rav try at least one more time. Maybe do something much different.

basmelech

Dating Coach

Posts: 408
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Post Re: Attraction
on: October 14, 2013, 10:29 AM

I got really good advice from someone. Each situation is so unique so you should speak to your rav or mentor. As much as I would like to give you advice i dont know your specific situation. So she told me that if you are unsure about someone date them another time. Try not to say no on a maybe. And dont say yes just because your being pressured into it if you feel he is not for you. After all this is a major decision, this is (whoever the lucky guy is) the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If your still not sure after dating a few times really speak to someone who knows you well (see rav/mentor). Hatzlacha! 🙂

daysfan24

Dating Maven

Posts: 134
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Post Re: Attraction
on: October 14, 2013, 3:44 PM

Thanks to both of you for the advice.

So dschecht13- at what point did you see, like which date? I was with him all day... I would feel like at some point, I would be interested and see SOME sort of potential.

Basmelech- So the only prob with that is. I WULD give it another shot, if he lived where I did. He lives far from me, and I don't want to get his hopes, waste his time etc... When I'm leaning towards a no anyways. You know?

dschecht13

Dating Maven

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Post Re: Attraction
on: October 14, 2013, 4:48 PM

daysfan24- for me it was the third date. I hear what your saying, but has the guy already said yes. Sometimes longer dates are harder.
B'hatzlacha.

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: Attraction
on: October 14, 2013, 4:54 PM

First of all, it seems it's harder for you to stick it out here a bit longer because of the distance/effort you have to make to go out again. However, keep in mind that it's a mitzvah and hishtadlus towards finding your zivug, even if it isn't him.

That being said, I wasn't clear on whether this was a first date? You can't really expect to be attracted to someone the first time you meet him, even if you spend five hours with him. Oftentimes when there is that first-sight blinding attraction, it's not a good thing. Real attraction comes from mutual respect.

You speak about seeing some sort of potential. I'm wondering what you mean by this? Are you being fair in its interpretation? Potential doesn't mean "sparks;" it means a sense that you two share core values, could get along with each other, etc., which could potentially lead to a relationship.

I think rather than judging on an initial feeling that could easily change, you need to ask yourself other questions. Was there something wrong? Do you share similar hashkafos/values? Are you repulsed by him? If yes, try to pinpoint why.

I'm not saying that attraction isn't important, and that you should marry someone if there isn't anything wrong. But, agreeing to a second or third date isn't a commitment of marriage. You're not saying you'll marry him, you're saying you'll go out again. I know you're worried about wasting your time (and his), but sometimes you have to make that effort, and it isn't a waste. Agreeing to another date isn't by any means stringing him along; he understands what a second or third date is. It's not a commitment in any way! You don't want to wonder a year from now if you should have continued.

I would say that if you go out again (another one or two times) and still feel like you do, like you just don't like him, then I'd say we have something more to talk about. However, at this point, I would suggest going out again.

Hatzlacha!

PleaseH

Dater

Posts: 18
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Post Re: Attraction
on: October 14, 2013, 7:31 PM

I agree with everyone here, I think you should give it another shot. and besides a first date is really just to get to know a person not to feel sparks yet. may you have clarity and make the right choice whichever you think it may be and IYH in the near future we should all find our zivug and be able to build a bais neeman biyisrael!

daysfan24

Dating Maven

Posts: 134
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Post Re: Attraction
on: October 14, 2013, 7:59 PM

Dschecht13- yeah I actually just found out today he is interested in going out again... It is hard because its long dates in btwn. And let say something else comes up etc etc..

ThinkingBYgirl- thanks so much for your input. It means a lot! Yes, so this was the first date. so I know, I'm jumping the gun. Just I just hated the fact that really the whole time the attraction did bother me. Like it's funny because amongst my friends, I'm known to have bad taste- like I think a lot of guys are cute. So if someone imo is not so cute, I think OK bad sign, he really is not cute to me. With that said, you are right.. I don't want to regret my decision. So maybe I should give it a shot. I just really hate it, I know it's not a commitment, I always feel like I'm stating I'm interested if i give it another go. But, I know from past experiences and should know that a second date means absolutely nothing. Just wish I was at least excited about it!!

So I definitely want to see mutual respect, core values, those are so important to me. And I'm not sure if ours line up- I have a feeling they might. He is a really good guy from what I can see. I just want the best of both worlds?? I know that sounds terrible, but attraction is really big for me and I really have turned down dates because that always ended up being the final decision ( sometimes not always). I'm looking for both things, I'm not JUST looking for attraction, I'm looking for everything put together. It's just hard to find everything, and I know I'm not looking for a perfect guy. Honestly I'm not. I am not looking for someone gorgeous, I am not looking for someone wealthy. I just want someone who i'd be attracted too, have respectful and care for each other, and have fun. And I guess a second date wouldn't hurt.... I'm just not sure at this point.

princessch-
arming

Dater

Posts: 29
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Post Re: Attraction
on: October 14, 2013, 8:14 PM

I'm not telling you what to do, but it's important to trust your gut feelings if you are honest with yourself. If you feel like you are not looking forward to another date, then he might not be for you. My mother always says, the only thing you have to decide after a date, is if you want to go out again. If you do not want to go out again, even if he's the greatest guy on the planet and has same hashkafos as you, he is not for you. Hashem gave you instinctive feelings and you have to trust them.
Again, I don't know exactly what you are feeling and mean by "not attracted" but it's important to be honest with yourself and trust yourself.

Hope you have clarity! Hatzlocha!

daysfan24

Dating Maven

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Post Re: Attraction
on: October 14, 2013, 8:22 PM

Amen, Thanks PleaseH!

Princesscharming - Thanks that helps to hear the other side of the spectrum too and trusting my instincts. Yeah, exactly I'm not looking forward to another date, yet again, I know you're not really suppose to just after one date. But, still there needs to be SOME potential that would make me want to keep going.

basmelech

Dating Coach

Posts: 408
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Post Re: Attraction
on: October 15, 2013, 12:08 AM

Just give it another shot I agree with thinkingbygirl's ideas its not a commitment its a date, and dont worry about his travel time, it will be better for both of you if its a sure yes or no rather than ending on a maybe?. Also again please speak to someone who knows you. All we know about you is that you went on a first date and your not sure if you should continue based on that you are not really attracted... What that could mean depends on your personality, situation and tons of other things...Each individual situation is unique so please dont rely on the opinions of people who really dont know you well at all. Hatzlacha and may you make the right decision iy"H! 🙂

daysfan24

Dating Maven

Posts: 134
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Post Re: Attraction
on: October 16, 2013, 10:07 PM

Thanks basmelech.

Just to update everyone and express my feelings, which helps just to get it out there! I said no in the end. I realize the attraction wouldn't grow on me. I guess one just has to know themselves and figure out whether they can get over those types of issues or not. I knew it would be a major issue, so I decided it wouldn't be worth it. But, not to say that would be the same case for others. Just know for myself, I didn't think it would be.

Thanks again for everyone's help- this site rocks!!!

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