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Author Topic: Values/life goals
chaykie

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Post Values/life goals
on: October 19, 2013, 10:10 PM

Maybe it's a little late to be asking this question, being that i've been in shidduchim for abt 3 1/2 years...but better late than never. I never know how to answer the questions of what are my values and life goals...i'm gonna split this into two parts:
Values- What do they rlly mean? Like, i know i value peace, close genuine open and honest relationships, and a real connection with Hashem. is that all they want to know? is that what they mean?
Life goals- if i'm only in my early 20s how am i supposed to know what my goals are for the rest of my life??? my main goal is to bring up a frum, close knit family, children who are in awe of, and love, Hashem, have a solid relationship with Him and are happy and emotionally healthy/secure. but isn't that what most ppl want? i mean, who wouldn't? am i supposed to want something else? something that's different than this general answer?

i mean, don't get me wrong- i totally think these questions abt values/goals are very important. i know they are. i just feel like many ppl are gonna have the same answers, so am i missing something here? is this not what ppl mean? what else could they want?

basmelech

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 19, 2013, 10:29 PM

Quote from chaykie on October 19, 2013, 10:10 PM
Maybe it's a little late to be asking this question, being that i've been in shidduchim for abt 3 1/2 years...but better late than never. I never know how to answer the questions of what are my values and life goals...i'm gonna split this into two parts:
Values- What do they rlly mean? Like, i know i value peace, close genuine open and honest relationships, and a real connection with Hashem. is that all they want to know? is that what they mean?
Life goals- if i'm only in my early 20s how am i supposed to know what my goals are for the rest of my life??? my main goal is to bring up a frum, close knit family, children who are in awe of, and love, Hashem, have a solid relationship with Him and are happy and emotionally healthy/secure. but isn't that what most ppl want? i mean, who wouldn't? am i supposed to want something else? something that's different than this general answer?

i mean, don't get me wrong- i totally think these questions abt values/goals are very important. i know they are. i just feel like many ppl are gonna have the same answers, so am i missing something here? is this not what ppl mean? what else could they want?

Its never to late to ask questions. As long as your alive you have the ability to do so.

Values- Yes, your values are the Real values.
Lets figure out if there are any other things to value that "society" say have value:

Money- doesnt last more than at most few hundred years.
Looks- maybe 50 years? (if were lucky) This is on the surface only.
Talents- 120 years? ok a good writer a few hundred years 😉
Job- 120 years maybe? or a few generetions at most
etc....
Your values include, peace, close genuine open and honest relationships, a real connection with Hashem. These values are eternel, meaningful, forever, indispensable. You cant get more value than that!

Life goals- exactly coudn't have said it better myself. Nobody knows what their life will turn out to be like. Someone wants to be rich? Have lots of children? Move to Canada?
"man plans and G-d laughs."
The Only goal somebody can say they would like to have is exactly what you said! A solid relationship with H-shem, love and fear Him. Because that IS a part of H-shem's plans. So be proud of your Values and Goals. Those are the true and only ones a person can remain with for the rest of their life. Other plans that dont fit or altogether go against these goals c"v have no weight to them and will blow away with the wind.
(see Tehilim perek Aleph )
Hope i helped you realize that you had the answer with you the whole time! 🙂

chaykie

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 20, 2013, 12:13 AM

definitely helps basmelech, thanks 🙂 so i guess i'm just wondering what someone else's goals can be? (values i understand).

inshidduch-
im613

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 20, 2013, 1:03 PM

I agree with basmelech that values and goals can't be based on temporary things.
And chaykie-different people definitely have different goals. For example, someone's goal might be to build a home where the focus is only torah and more of a "yeshivish", sheltered home. Other people might not value that as much and their goal is to build a happy home where all the kids feel a connection to yiddishkeit. Not everyone's goals are the same at all!

chaykie

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 20, 2013, 5:01 PM

ok yeah i hear that inshidduchim, that makes sense now. thanks to both of you!

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tsRight

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 21, 2013, 11:15 AM

Chana Levitan has a book out "I Only Want to Get Married Once"
It is an incredible book that really explains the whole "values" system and helps you realize what yours are. There are steps in the book to help you go through the process. It is thought provoking and I think everyone should read it.

I would definitely get it if you want to know what your values truly are, Chaykie. Let me know what you think! 🙂

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 21, 2013, 11:17 AM

Quote from the book description on amazon: "Renowned relationship coach and counselor Chana Levitan reveals the 10 essential questions everyone should ask before saying "I do." Readers will learn how to: spot long-term potential; know the difference between infatuation and love-how they work against each other and yet how they can work together; reevaluate their approach to love and what they really need to succeed in building a loving marriage; gain the confidence to steer through the decision making process of dating; and more. Filled with real-life anecdotes and insightful advice, I ONLY WANT TO GET MARRIED ONCE helps readers get it right the first time."

chaykie

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 21, 2013, 7:33 PM

wow ttdwr- sounds really good! the other books i've read either haven't been serious enough, or if they have been, they've been to lofty to understand (i must add tho, the one i did read that i loved is the one from the shmuz, but that focuses more on the emunah/bitachon aspect of shidduchim). maybe they have this book in the library here, i'll see if i can get one. thanks 🙂

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 22, 2013, 1:16 PM

My pleasure! But if they don't have it in the library, I would buy it from amazon

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1455525065/ref=s9_psimh_gw_p14_d1_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=1E7MW01W439PP89BE247&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=1630083502&pf_rd_i=507846

- it's that good! Trust me you won't regret it 😉

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 22, 2013, 1:18 PM

You could also read a preview of the book - "Look Inside" on the picture of the cover on amazon.

dazzleme21

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 23, 2013, 12:45 AM

http://www.amazon.com/000-Questions-Before-Getting-Married-ebook/dp/B00EK849T6

I saw this book in a store and read a few pages.It has really good questions to ask on a date!!!

hello

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 24, 2013, 4:50 PM

Quote from dazzleme21 on October 23, 2013, 12:45 AM
http://www.amazon.com/000-Questions-Before-Getting-Married-ebook/dp/B00EK849T6

I saw this book in a store and read a few pages.It has really good questions to ask on a date!!!

Can you give some examples of the kinds of questions it has? Thanks

chaykie

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 24, 2013, 6:05 PM

wow i just read the preview of " i only want to get married once"- sounds rlly good, and rlly thorough! i'll def look into getting it. thanks ttdwr!

chaykie

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 24, 2013, 6:29 PM

dazzleme21- i just read the preview of that one also. seems rlly great and covers lots of material. wow. its so funny- now that i'm reading all these previews online, i'm thinking to myself "i never would have thought of that. how did anyone ever get married before reading these books?" rlly- i don't think many girls think about all this stuff when they come back from sem and start dating right away. do they? or do i think that way just because all this stuff certainly wasn't on my mind when i came back from sem...i was one of those flighty, dreamy eyed "of course i'm gonna be married with a kid by the end of next yr" type of girls 🙂 well, i guess i'm still pretty dreamy but more serious at the same time. you know like when i was 6 i wanted to be a kallah cuz kallahs look pretty and they have a chosson- yeah so that's nice and all, but now there's a whole lot more as to why i wanna be a kallah 🙂 so basically, i know girls think of what they want in a husband: kind, loves Torah, yeshivish, whatever the case may be. but do they think of why that's what they want? do they wonder if it's actually what they need? do they think of their values and goals and what effect they'll have on the relationship? do they think of who they are and what they stand for? or do they just say what they would like in a husband and who they think they are cuz it sounds nice? cuz i know so many girls from my hs class who i would not think are the type to think abt life to seriously based on their attitudes i saw all thru school, and after we came back from sem, sadly enough. i mean Baruch Hashem they're married. but i wonder if they ever thought of this stuff.

basmelech

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 24, 2013, 10:06 PM

I hear you Chaykie. Let me try to answer your questions.
i guess they managed but these books are terrific!
I dont know
I dont know
" ".......
Each person is so unique.

Some people arent deep thinkers they just go with the flow...until sometimes the flow takes them! Then they face whatever they were avoiding till then and hopefully come out better than they were before.

Some people think and think about everything they can think of and they plan all sorts of things, and then Boom! Something totally completely unexpected happens that was really not included in their life plans! Its called H-shem's plan. He knows what is best for us even more than we ourselves know.

Some people seem not to take life seriously- they just want to have a good time here without thinking about the consenquences of their actions. Well there is good news! H-shem knows exactly what each person needs to do what He wants them to do. So please try not to worry (since worrying for them doesnt help them, only tefillah helps) about if some people seem to be thoughtless about anything serious. And if those people are getting married. Married life is one way of teaching people how to take life seriously. It changes people because you have to compromise, and learn how to think about another person more than you did before.

i know that i gained personally by being single (dont get me wrong, i would love to be married but in the meantime) i grew a lot and changed as a person. I feel much better about going into a marriage now than i would've before. And being single is a good time to focus on changing yourself to become a better person and wife iy"H.
So lets take advantage of these single years to accomplish all the things we will have a hard time doing when we are married. Think pursuing a career, chessed for others, going to shiurim whenever we want, getting together with friends, learning how to cook, finding out what we enjoy (i changed my mind a few times, i think b"H that i found something i would like to stick with) and anything else you can think of... Let's take advantage of this opportunity, hope we all make good use of it iy"H! 🙂

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tsRight

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 24, 2013, 10:50 PM

Wow beautifully said Basmelech!!

basmelech

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 24, 2013, 11:35 PM

Thanks ttdwr! 🙂

chaykie

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Post Re: Values/life goals
on: October 26, 2013, 11:02 PM

yes, thank you basmelech- well said! ur totally right (and don't worry- i'm not rlly worried about them per se...it was just something that made me think. it happens to be, i'm a pretty deep/spiritual thinker myself, so i think that maybe when i read the previews of both books (i only want to get married once, and the 1000 questions to ask b4 getting married) it made me think "if i'm so serious abt who i am/ life/ what i want and need/...yadayadayada...why didn't i think of any of that" i guess in retrospect it's hashgacha- just like everything else- Hashem knows i'm a deep thinker and wanted me to see that b4 i get married, so now IY"H i'm gonna get for sure one of those books (i think the i only wanna get married once) at least to start with- and take it from there. such hashgacha. so thanks everyone!

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