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Author Topic: Feeling Alone in College
TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Post Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 12:07 PM

hey everyone,
I just need some sympathy right now, I'm feeling really despondent; like someone just deflated me.
I go to a community college and I really loved it. I had fun in the classes, I have friends (Jewish and non), and I enjoyed learning.
We always get into discussions in my public speaking class and my teacher is really nice and I like her but very liberal.
I sit next to two black girls and they are good frinds with me and like me.
1. There is a white girl behind me who I get the feeling that she doesn't like me, and last class (before the one today) she asked me to bring her my textbook cuz she wanted to copy something from it. I said I would cuz I want to be nice and not make a chilul Hashem.
My black friends today told me that she is always making fun of me (and another girl) and last class she was saying she didn't like my skirt and making fun of me. I've noticed that she doesn't like me and doesn't respond to my attempts at friendliness, and I'm not surprised. I always hear her laughing with a group of other students during class but I didn't realize it was about me. She tries to argue and put sown things I say in class because I'm very involved and I am smart. My friends said they think it's cuz she's jealous. I think it's that, but she is also anti-semetic. I wouldn't care if it was just her, but these other students I actually thought liked me are also making fun of me!
2. Today my teacher brought up a discussion about putting yourself in different cultural situations to be more accepting and three students gave examples of how bad Jews are! One said that she works in a hospital and the Jews she works with are always loud, disrespectful, and obnoxious. Another student said that he has a Jewsih friend on the lacrosse team who always gives him rides home and he heard this Jewish guy on the phone with his mom and he was cursing like What the ####?... The third student said she works at an ice cream store and the Jews all slide the money over. She thinks it's because they don't want to touch her because she's black (she didn't say that but it was pretty obv), but I said that there's a reason for that and that it's a habit bec Jews are Shomer. (And explained it but not going into the reasons ect).

I have to go now, but basically, I loved college and felt so accepted and I was proud of saying I was Jewish and religious and thought that people respected that, but now I see that all goyim really are the same and are anti-semetic.
Thoughts??
Thanks

atararox

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 12:27 PM

Get out of there now honey!!! Why would u put yourself through this??? For a cheap degree?? I actually have a very strong opinion about this! I know too many girls who went to a community college and slowly but surely their yiddeshkeit shed. Today they look horrendous. One girl in particular was so frum I would walk with her in high school she was a really smart girl but very low key and sweet! Not a bad bone in her body! She started at a community college and now she looks terrible! I'm not a racist and every human being is a creation of Hashem and deserves respect but.... Halacha biyaduah sheheisav soneh es yakov!!!!! Every goy has it in them to hate the Jews! They are jealous and angry! They are not raised with the same ideals as we are! They are trained for hatred and murdur and immorality - why wud you wanna be friends with them??? Yes u have to be polite we are in galus and we have to create a kiddush hashem. But don't be shocked when they stab u in the back! This is who they are!

patcha

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 12:51 PM

Thank you so much for posting this. It sounds like you really are making a kiddush Hashem.

We are in a similar situation. Instead of making friends, I have found it helpful to compartmentalize my classmates as potential allies, and my 'real' friends as my female friends. (I did recently make a non-frum Jewish female friend, which is a big relief; I thought I'd have to get through my degree without ever meeting another friend-able soul. It took 4 months in her class and a lot of effort on my part.)

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I hope the situation improves. It sounds like your professor is not very good at directing the discussions in a positive direction. But it also sounds like you're doing the very best you can. So I don't really have advice for you - just keep it up, and Hashem should send you wonderful people to interact with that will be beneficial to you in the long and short runs.

TryToDoWha-
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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 1:39 PM

Atararox, you're absolutely right! I was just thinking that on the way home. And you want to hear something interesting? I think a girl in the class noticed that I seemed kinda down and not talkative, so as I was getting in the car for my ride, she yelled out my name twice until I looked over and smiled really big and waved. She was always nice to me.
What you said really resonated with me tho:

Every guy has it in them to hate the Jews! They are jealous and angry! They are not raised with the same ideals as we are!

. I knew that I guess in the back of my mind but it's really true. Even if this girl likes me and is friendly, she still has it in her to turn on me in a second. I have to remember that and not trust or rely on them.
About getting out of college, I want to get a really hard-to-get government job and I am going to need a real degree. I'm just getting my Associates Degree in Community College then I'm hopefully transferring to a college where there is a larger Jewish student body.
Atararox, about "yiddishkeit shedding," however hard as this is for me to admit, I have gone down spiritually slowly but surely since I left seminary a year ago. I think it would be a good idea if we could start a forum (or continue on this thread) of ways to strengthen and keep up our yiddishkeit while in secular environments. We sould get creative in our suggestions! I think it would make a huge difference and really give people chizuk.

Patcha, thank you for sharing your experience as well. It does help to know that there are other girls working through the same issues! I have a question though, when you said

my 'real friends' as my female friends

did you mean they are your real friends because they are female (and not Jewish but friend material) or because they are Jewish?
You're probably right about my professor not being good at directing the discussions. I think she wants everyone to have a turn to speak their mind and we should all hear what everyone has to say. Thanks for the vote of confidence in me! It means a lot.

And I mean it about the forum for secular coping suggestions!
Thanks guys!

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 3:47 PM

I attended community college, I have BY classmates that attended college, and they are still religious (as am I). It shouldn't be so simple a thing as attending college to make one suddenly go off the derech. If any do, they were never truly religious to begin with.

I will bet you money that the white girl that makes comments is actually Jewish herself; it's the self-hating that gave me the hardest time. Everyone else is usually curious and open to hear about my lifestyle. If they were misguided, then I tried to clarify the matter (as you did in class).

Community college is two years. I think you will be fine if you stay, especially since faith comes from within, not from without. It'll be over before you know it, and since you plan to have a government job this is a perfect opportunity to get used to a secular setting.

Cherry

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 6:15 PM

I agree with princess lea. I was once in a class where I was the only Jew out of the whole class. And believe me I can relate to the gathered that you feel!! I had a girl tell me i was a snob. And afew other things. But the worst part was the professor himself. He would intentionally bring up topics of different culture and way of life. When it had absolute no relevance to the class. Once he's like we should have a multi culture day. Like and he started at my row saying that so and so should bring in her nationality food and then he went onto the next one and then is like and cherry should bring in and he had to stress in a sarcastic way Kosher food. Then he stopped and continued with the subject matter. But of course it wasn't done in any sort of manner that you could report it as discrimination and have him removed from his job. It turns out that his father is Jewish and his mother is not. He brought this up one day in another one of his social class conversations. To me that explained his extreme outward behavior toward me he obviously has some sort of insecurity about his identity. And had to take it out on me with utmost jealousy and hatred. .trytodowhatsright: this girl may a reason shes behaving like this she's behaving rather insecure and unethical. The others won't point this out bec like u mentioned they all feel the same way. I think as long as you keep your head up high and behave with dignity and class they will still hate you no matter Wht. But they won't mess with you. When I was on the train this morning there was an Arab lady very put together and good looking. No matter how well her presentation was - I thought grose! Wht I'm saying is they can't help it. Thts how they all really feel towards us. it hurts and it's hard. But it's part of the Galus.

LuvAhuva

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 6:29 PM

Quote from Princess Lea on April 24, 2013, 3:47 PM
It shouldn't be so simple a thing as attending college to make one suddenly go off the derech. If any do, they were never truly religious to begin with. .

please please dont underestimate the power of a person's surroundings and who they hang out with. maybe you went to a non jewish college with a big group of friends from BY and you stuck together and that helped you get through it. Girls can be very frum but when they start becoming friends with blacks and the like...its very easy to be swayed! you automatically lose some sensitivities. this goes even for a very strong person! there are countless pesukim and chazals and medrashim that talk about a person's surroundings and friends!

also, the nazis in germany were not self hating jews. the blacks are not self hating jews and the chinese are not self hating jews and they all hate us. they make fun of us and they will merdur us given the oppurtunity- goyim hate the jews. that is fact. they want to be rid of us and thats the way it has always been. they can maybe put on a sweet smile and act polite but you dont know what they are really thinking....

cherry...what you are saying has nothing to do with what princess lea said. your prof is a complete goy in every way shape and form. of course he will make fun of you and put you down.

tryingtodowhatright- hatzlocha! may Hashem give you the strength to see the truth and not be swayed by any crazy liberal professors. keep davening and just remember who you are. you are better than them. you are the princess and they are the maid servants.

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 6:52 PM

the white girl is as goyish as they come...
I AM very strong in my yiddishkeit, but I don't have any close frum friends anymore in my city. Unfortunately, all my close friends aren't frum at all. I did early admission to seminary and went for two years since I was 16, but all of my friends my age are in seminary now, and my friends from seminary don't live in my state/country. My mother told me I have to try to make new friends but it's very hard and I don't know how to find them and connect with them. They're all set in their friendships and they're older than me. So yes, I have deteriorated. I'm trying my best. I go to shiurim and I am close with a rabbi in my city who helps me with shailos and nisyonos. Chazal is of course right, your surroundings have a tremendous influence. If I wasn't so strong I for sure wouldn't be religious anymore.

*That is why I suggested earlier that we start a thread/forum for girls to give each other chizuk, shared experiences, inspiration, and ideas on how to stay strong in secular environments.

You guys don't realize how much just being part of this frum website and reading all your posts helps me.

And LuvAhuva is right, Cherry, your prof is a rabid anti-semite and you shouldn't think that he has an ounce of jewishness in him.

thinkingBY-
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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 7:27 PM

Not to nitpick, and it's not really relevant to the subject of this post (sorry TryToDoWhatsRight), but I think that Ahuva's point is crucial. Do you really mean, Princess Lea, that "It shouldn't be so simple a thing as attending college to make one suddenly go off the derech. If any do, they were never truly religious to begin with." ?

Why do you suppose that people go off the derech? There are so many possible reasons and no one person's situation fits into a stereotype, but one of the biggest reasons is peer pressure and exposure. Yes, if someone is properly rooted with a strong religious background and has proper guidance and support than it can offset the effect of socializing with goyim (especially the dregs of society that can be found in a community college) and sitting through class after class of foreign hashkafos. I'm not going to go into the flaws of our chinuch system here (too big of a tangent), but unfortunately nowadays our Bais Yaakov education isn't quite strong enough, in many cases, to combat the lure of the secular world and the unique yetzer haras that this generation faces.

As for the issue at hand TryToDoWhatsRight, hang in there, it's tough, but it can be great opportunity, if you play your cards right, for you to come out of a better, more self aware and self motivated Jew. Hatzlacha!

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 7:31 PM

Thanks LuvAhuva for

hatzlocha! may Hashem give you the strength to see the truth and not be swayed by any crazy liberal professors. keep davening and just remember who you are. you are better than them. you are the princess and they are the maid servants.

I didn't see it before. It means a lot that you all are "here for me"
🙂 And I am going to remember that. Say it every night lol but seriously.

TryToDoWha-
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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 7:35 PM

And thinkingBYgirl, I was typing my previous post when yours came up and I saw it after I posted mine. You are right. And so is LuvAhuva. I'm glad you said that and don't worry, it's not "nitpicking."
Thanks for the chizuk. You guys are all great role models.

LuvAhuva

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 7:46 PM

we really are here for you! thats what this whole site is about. to support eachother and help one another in difficult times!
....after i came back from sem i worked in a big city for a little bit and let me tell you, although i didnt go off the derech, i definitley lost some sensitivites that i had worked so hard to aquire. it was a one girl office, but it was just the atmosphere of the city alone that was able to influece my behavior. i left that job and now i work in a frum envirement with tons of other frum girls and its so much easier to maintain my identity.
you sound like a very smart girl and you will stay strong!

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 7:53 PM

Amen!! I hope I do and not only stay strong, but grow. (Which I'm having difficulty doing as of now but I'm working on it. First thing's first...don't deteriorate...)
Thanks Everyone!!! you don't know how much better I feel!

Cherry

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 7:57 PM

LuvAhuva"cherry...what you are saying has nothing to do with what princess lea said. your prof is a complete goy in every way shape and form. of course he will make fun of you and put you down.". You're right. He is a complete goy in every shape and form. But what I was trying to say is that him putting me dwn do outwardly, is an insecurity on his part. In his world his identity is messed up. He may Hve been socially abused growing up due to having a Jewish father and decided to take this deep anger out. Cross breaded children as well as irreligious Jews, Indians, Arabs hve a hard time in the secular world no matter Wht they do they are always classified as different.. His antisemitism is also far greater because of his circumstances. So practically Wht I was saying to triedtodowhtsright is tht there are reasons why pple. Act out so openly. You may feel hatered and discusting towards an Arab woman but you won't show it openly. And that goes with regard to the rest of the regular mainstream society's attitude to being antisemites. If the hatered is written out so openly...
There are insecurities on their part rise above them and pith them. We are the chosen nation. Be proud!

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 9:58 PM

TryToDoWhatsRight-

Although this has been said by some of the other posters, I personally want you to know that I believe you can stick this out and still be okay. The fact that you are in touch with your spiritual "deterioration" shows that you CARE about your ruchniyus and that's a crucial factor! Continue to do what you're doing: listen to shiurim that inspire you and remind you how awesome it is to live the life of a frum Jew. Don't let yourself forget that Hashem is on your team-talk to Him and He will help you get through this.

Regarding your original post: I really feel for you; this sounds like a super uncomfortable situation to be in. Just continue to be respectful, polite and friendly and know that although they won't admit it, your classmates admire your values and conduct. And each time that happens, know that you have made Hashem proud.

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 11:11 PM

Thank you all for giving me such chizuk and believing in me. I feel so privileged to be frum and a part of such a special, connected People.
Cherry, you're right; there's prob some other reason why she is behaving so openly disdainful. I'm not gonna let her bother me, I'm gonna "rise above" lol, but seriously. I am proud to be Jewish and it shows. They know that which could be why she's so angry...?
iThink, Thank you for believing in me that I can stick this out. I'm going to, Please God, and you and everyone else who posted should know that they really played a big part in making me feel like I can handle this.
Thanks for all of you advice, everyone, I'm going to do what you say and not let it get to me.
I was thinking it's kind've like the Holocaust in this way: the Nazi's Yimachshimo wanted to annihilate the Jews. We survived. However, the best revenge is not sitting in depression. The best revenge is to build a new generation and ensure that the Jewish Nation continues.
By me feeling discouraged and not participating in class or shrinking away, she wins. That's what she wants. She's jealous that I have a lot to say and the teacher and (so it seemed) the students like me for it.
I'm not gonna let her win. Us Jews stay strong and continue in the face of adversity. And I will try to be a part of this legacy. I am going to Im yertza Hashem grow in my yiddishkeit and finish college a frum Jew with a degree in my hand.

life123

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 11:26 PM

We had a speaker come to speak to my department in college last year. He told us that if we work in a not-jewish environment that was ok but we had to keep up safeguards. He said when you leave a religious school, you should try to go to shul every week (not so good at that myself), go to a shiur often (don't remember if it was weekly or monthly) both for religious and social reasons, keep up with your friends from high school/seminary, I think he may have said have a mentor, daven every day, try to learn every day. I've been trying to learn every night before I go to sleep - it isn't hard if you find something you can take. I did shmiras halashon, now I'm doing Praying With Joy during the week and a chapter of Made In Heaven on Shabbos.

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: April 24, 2013, 11:46 PM

That's actually a really good idea - to go to shul. I want to try that. I know the perfect shul! he's kind've my rabbi/mentor and he gives a shiur on shabbos afternoon too! I actually have been working on getting close to some post-seminary girls in my hometown so... I do daven every day and talk to Hashem. My mother learns with a friend evry night but I never did. I might try that. Thanks for all these great suggestions! That's what I was talking about! 🙂

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: May 6, 2013, 9:52 PM

How's college going btw?

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: May 6, 2013, 10:04 PM

I've gotten over the initial drama that happened that day, because, of course as time passes thing's get better.
But I feel different. I don't feel as into my public speaking class as before, and I definitely don't feel like I like the people as much as I used to.
One of the girl's (who is kind've my friend) asked me if when I take math (she needs to take the same class) that I text her which class cuz she wants to be in the same class as me.
I'm debating whether I should or not, cuz she's very nice to me and I know she does like me....but she was one of the people who said one of the comments that day and I just don't like her so much anymore. I think she thinks I'm like an exception to most of the Jews she's worked with so she really likes me.
Overall, it's going ok...I definitely am not as into it as I used to be, but it's not horrible and it could be fun. My teachers are great and I'm getting all A's so...!! 🙂
Also I've been going with a girl to a shiur here and I never thought she was my type - like I could confide in her - but we had a dmc last week and I think she could be a great, good influence friend for me! so I'm very excited about that. 😀
Thanks for asking!!! 😀

Bracha613

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: May 6, 2013, 10:08 PM

B"H

TryToDoWha-
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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: May 6, 2013, 10:32 PM

Thanks!!

iThink

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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: May 7, 2013, 5:41 PM

I'm happy to hear things are better! BH!

TryToDoWha-
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Post Re: Feeling Alone in College
on: May 7, 2013, 9:53 PM

Yeah, Baruch Hashem... Thanks for your empathy guys 🙂

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