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Author Topic: the man-made crisis and how to slowly resolve it!
ME

Dater

Posts: 18
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Post the man-made crisis and how to slowly resolve it!
on: September 2, 2013, 11:23 PM

hi everyone! so I have a few suggestions that i think might help things moving with the so called "shidduch crisis"
1) its not a "crisis" unless you say it is- more stress on it creates more fear and more pressure on the girls and gives the boys or their mothers reassurance that they can be as picky and difficult as they want because there are soooo many girls and so many of them are "desperate" for a yes; if we all calm down, and agree that this is not a crisis, but a problem that CAN and WILL eventually be resolved. it is a MAN-MADE crisis! hopefully this will also help the current epidemic of broken engagements- yes bH it was only a broken engagement and not worse- BUT how many of these engagements were only a result of pressure, stress, and outside influence? Unfortunately ALOT of these could have been prevented.
2) this suggestion is one i am sure many people have heard of and take into practice- If every girl and every guy would think of someone else that they know or know of, for the person that "didn't work out" whether it was the girl giving a no, the other side, or mutual. If after every single date thats a no; that doesn't work out, guys and girls think of someone they know that might fit better- then the problem might slowly start to dissolve- I am not going to say we will see drastic changes, but we might slowly see the number of marriages go up, and the number of singles go down.
3) my third and final suggestion (for now) is that every young newly married couple should try and see if they can match up some friends. think about- every couple matches up another couple- if it doesnt work out on to the next...

life123

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Posts: 324
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Post Re: the man-made crisis and how to slowly resolve it!
on: September 3, 2013, 2:13 PM

While I do think we need more shadchanim, I think one of the biggest problems is that there aren't enough GOOD boys. I think there are two things that can be done to fix this for the future (though I think its a bit late for us):

A- starting middos programs in boys schools that last through 12th grade, for the younger kids just stories, halacha (how to treat different people - old people, parents, spouses) in 7-9, and more in depth in the oldest grades.
B- starting programs for boys who don't show potential to become learners. I think that boys who aren't going to be learning should do chessed as part of school, and be shown how good it is and what they are capable of. I think they could also do kiruv, raise Tzedaka, be given gabbai/monitor roles, whatever it takes to give every boy a feeling of self worth that will keep them part of the Torah community. Then they will be more likely to be kovei itim and be considered less second class.

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

Dating Pro

Posts: 320
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Post Re: the man-made crisis and how to slowly resolve it!
on: September 3, 2013, 5:09 PM

Life123, I liked your first point, but don't you think it would be better if people just worked on themselves to not be judgmental and view working boys as "second class??"

Also, the way I interpret "view them as less of a second class," is that it looks like people think that the working boys wouldn't even be "first class" if they did do what you are suggesting. They would be "not as low of a second class as they are viewed now." Something is very wrong with that attitude. Yissachar and Zevulun are both equally important...

Also, I think that providing for their families gives these boys a feeling of self-worth. And without the working boys - who's supporting the yeshivos and kollelim?!

chaykie

Dating Coach

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Post Re: the man-made crisis and how to slowly resolve it!
on: September 3, 2013, 5:51 PM

agreed with life123 and ttdwr. totally.

life123

Dating Pro

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Post Re: the man-made crisis and how to slowly resolve it!
on: September 3, 2013, 6:26 PM

TTDWR- While we ourselves should try to be less judgemental, the boys are in yeshiva, and yeshiva boys (kids I mean) will always judge each other and themselves, and classify themselves. Its a problem - the aleph shiur etc - and thats why I think we need to give the kids a better picture of themselves. I've seen it - a boy isn't a learner, so he feels he has to do something to make a name for himself that is unusual - get a tv, start smoking, open a business before he finishes high school and then neglect his learning (that he is capable of). I think if the boys have a positive outlet, there will be less of a real second class in the end - by which I mean the boys who end up modern, not the boys who end up being kovei itim and "Zevulun". If the boys are taken care of, there will be a bigger community of "zevulun familes", which can only be good for the community.
We can't just work on ourselves, as you say - because it isn't us (single girls) who are the problem. If we had a big group of single boys - "an equal class", to an extent, if you will - of good character to date, the girls who don't really want a kollel lifestyle wouldn't say that's what they want. There have been some men like this who are admired in every community, but not nearly enough.
The current average (not every) working boy has at least a quality or two that does match the idea of 'second class'. Doing chessed etc will give them the self worth they need and allow them to continue feeling it when they have families, without turning to other sources.

HOWEVER - people will always consider kollel a higher standard - people don't really equalize a tzadik and a business man, even if they do need each other equally. I'm sure I've heard business people say they feel it is unfortunate that they couldn't learn etc. Torah is an ideal, and that is not a 'judgemental' statement. That is fact.

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

Dating Pro

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Post Re: the man-made crisis and how to slowly resolve it!
on: September 8, 2013, 12:58 AM

I hear you. I think you are right about the yeshiva students.
However, I think it might be unnecessary for married men with families to be "doing chessed etc will give them the self worth they need and allow them to continue feeling it when they have families, without turning to other sources." Because as I said earlier, providing for their families does give them a feeling of self-worth, and the most important chessed you can do is to be there for your own family.
(**of course it is wonderful if they do do outside chessed etc but that should not be a priority nor a necessity.)
Once a man gets married, it's not about "me," it's about "us." And "us" means a wife (and B"H children) who is very instrumental in shaping how spiritual etc her husband is.

life123

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Post Re: the man-made crisis and how to slowly resolve it!
on: September 8, 2013, 11:00 AM

Oh that's what you thought I meant! Of course you're right about married men! I meant chesed while they are in grades 5-12, to make them into better people! Though many chashuve bale batim are known for chesed, I think for most married men, chesed begins at home.

TryToDoWha-
tsRight

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Posts: 320
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Post Re: the man-made crisis and how to slowly resolve it!
on: September 8, 2013, 4:08 PM

Oh k lol so we're on the same page! 😉

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