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Author Topic: Does not wanting to wait mean I dont have enough bitachon?
life123

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Post Does not wanting to wait mean I dont have enough bitachon?
on: April 12, 2013, 1:09 AM

Some of you might have read the topic about getting redt to someone specific - my friend's brother - now what do you think-

After all that, I'm wondering if I'm crazy for trying to do this now.
If it doesn't work out, this could ruin my relationship with my friend. I was thinking I should wait until the summer, because then my relationship with this friend will be more phone/chatting and not like I'll be seeing her so often. But seriously I don't want to wait! I'm impulsive, I guess. But also, pretty much everyone I've ever been redt to was 'busy' and I'm nervous that he'll be busy if I wait to push it.
Also, do you think it is wrong to go out with someone who is learning in Lakewood if you aren't interested in moving there just yet? I like the community but I haven't finished college, and I might have to take a job in Manhattan - not convenient if you live in Lakewood. Even if I get a job there... if I'm pushing a shidduch now, say it takes a max of two months for checking (if it takes a while), max two months for dating (normally), and 3 month engagement - lands a wedding in November and I couldn't do Lakewood until February - if even then. It may sound silly, but I want a home that's all about Torah - and it seems a bit like lying, or giving someone a wrong impression. And if you're thinking - well, she probably won't marry him anyway - I can't think like that, my father was my mother's first, and she had to think about these things when she was younger than I am now.

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: Does not wanting to wait mean I dont have enough bitachon?
on: April 12, 2013, 1:14 AM

You're getting ahead of yourself. Wait and see if anything comes of this, and then you can decide where it makes sense for you to live.

Also, sounds like you just got really excited about this for whatever reason and that's why you want this to happen now. If it's bashert it will happen at the right time. You don't have to worry about the details.

life123

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Post Re: Does not wanting to wait mean I dont have enough bitachon?
on: April 12, 2013, 1:21 AM

I was actually wondering about that. When a person is born a voice says who he/she will marry, but it doesn't say when. And people talk about bechira with shidduchim, and say, it should come at the right time, which seems to indicate that it can come at the wrong time. Actually I have a relative who dated her husband 5 years before they got married and then stopped because they didn't get along then... and now they do. So that could have been a wrong time - but it was a decision they made.

in the gap

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Post Re: Does not wanting to wait mean I dont have enough bitachon?
on: April 12, 2013, 10:10 AM

I always learnt that one is not allowed to Daven for her own shidduch to come at a specific time, but rather that it should come at the right time. However, I also want to get married right away, especially as I am not so young anymore. Therefore, I daven that I should not go through the nisayon and pain of being an older single. I never actually asked a Rav if this is allowed, but I believe that as long as you realise it is all a part of Hashem's master plan, and that He knows best, there is nothing wrong with not wanting yissurim. (As an aside according to one of my seminary teachers there is nothing wrong with Davening for someone else to have a shidduch come soon as we don't have to have bitachon on someone else's account. Therefore, I would recommend finding a friend and Davening for each other.)

iThink

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Post Re: Does not wanting to wait mean I dont have enough bitachon?
on: April 12, 2013, 10:21 AM

I can hear that it could be a problem davening for a shidduch to come at a specific time, but that should not keep you from davening for your shidduch. It's a beautiful show of ahavas yisrael when we daven for others in the same situation, but Hashem wants you to daven for you too.

bitachon

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Post Re: Does not wanting to wait mean I dont have enough bitachon?
on: April 12, 2013, 12:06 PM

My friend visited Rabbi and Reb Kaminetzky and they gave a bracha to get married soon , and quickly. My friend then questioned the terminology of quickly because she was under the impression that one should daven for the right time. Rabbi Kaminetzky responded "ha'yad Hashem tiktzor" basically is Hashem's limited in his ability and you may ask because Hashem is able to do anything and ultimately will decide but that doesn't mean you cant ask!
I have been to Rabbi and Reb Kaminesky 2 times after my friend told me this and both times the bracha was the yeshua to come quickly!

in the gap

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Post Re: Does not wanting to wait mean I dont have enough bitachon?
on: April 12, 2013, 12:07 PM

I was not ch"v saying that we shouldn't Daven for ourselves, just that we have to be careful that we are not asking Hashem if we can take over the world, as He does a much better job, and by asking we could ch"v saying we don't believe that He knows what's best for us.

bitachon

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Post Re: Does not wanting to wait mean I dont have enough bitachon?
on: April 12, 2013, 12:11 PM

Quote from chaysim on April 12, 2013, 1:09 AM
Some of you might have read the topic about getting redt to someone specific - my friend's brother - now what do you think-

After all that, I'm wondering if I'm crazy for trying to do this now.
If it doesn't work out, this could ruin my relationship with my friend. I was thinking I should wait until the summer, because then my relationship with this friend will be more phone/chatting and not like I'll be seeing her so often. But seriously I don't want to wait! I'm impulsive, I guess. But also, pretty much everyone I've ever been redt to was 'busy' and I'm nervous that he'll be busy if I wait to push it.
Also, do you think it is wrong to go out with someone who is learning in Lakewood if you aren't interested in moving there just yet? I like the community but I haven't finished college, and I might have to take a job in Manhattan - not convenient if you live in Lakewood. Even if I get a job there... if I'm pushing a shidduch now, say it takes a max of two months for checking (if it takes a while), max two months for dating (normally), and 3 month engagement - lands a wedding in November and I couldn't do Lakewood until February - if even then. It may sound silly, but I want a home that's all about Torah - and it seems a bit like lying, or giving someone a wrong impression. And if you're thinking - well, she probably won't marry him anyway - I can't think like that, my father was my mother's first, and she had to think about these things when she was younger than I am now.

calm down
1 just because your friend said she'll redt it doesnt mean she will do it right away
2 it doesnt mean the boys will say yes
3 they may not say yes within your time frame ....i've gotten yeses a year after the i was initially redt to the boy
4 if it happens that both sides say yes ...make sure you shmooz with your frnd agreeing and making sure it wont get in the way of ur frndshp no matter what happens whether it works out or not
I know of both situations of girls dating their frnds brothers, some married the brother and some didnt. but they all got along with the frnd after.!
Hatzlacha.
Ha'kol b'dei Shamayim chutz mi'yiras shamayim

life123

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Post Re: Does not wanting to wait mean I dont have enough bitachon?
on: April 12, 2013, 3:20 PM

Thanks guys! Sometimes I just need to talk to someone who doesn't know me... Wish I had an older sister or cousin, that would be even better.

fun21

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Post Re: Does not wanting to wait mean I dont have enough bitachon?
on: April 13, 2013, 4:29 PM

Chayasim, can you tell us what is that you know about the guy that makes you really want to marry him

Secondly, you don't need to worry about your calculations unless they ask. Then you can tell them what you need to tell them. And I like to think that with the right guy I would be willing to live anywhere.

life123

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Post Re: Does not wanting to wait mean I dont have enough bitachon?
on: April 13, 2013, 9:32 PM

I didn't say I want to marry him - it's too early for that.I want to be redt to him because of what I know.
I know his sister, who is close to him, and five families that he is cousins with. From what I've seen in their homes, they are all good, nice, yeshivish type families where I am very comfortable and don't feel like I have to be more or less than what I am. I've posted about myself in a different forum, and there I listed that I'm looking for. Strong yeras shamayim, serious, not materialistic, ahavas yisroel, smart. When his sister was asked to describe him, she said he was serious, and I could see she really respects and likes him (definitely a very good sign - and not something I would take for granted in anyone). His house (I have been there) is simple, so they wouldn't care about things that aren't important to me (like how things look and shopping etc). I know they aren't one of those families that classify people. And his whole family is very smart - something that is very important to me in a husband.

bibliophil-
e02

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Post Re: Does not wanting to wait mean I dont have enough bitachon?
on: February 10, 2014, 2:38 PM

so what happened?

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