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Author Topic: Age Difference
Miriam

Dating Maven

Posts: 51
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I understand that there is a "shidduch crisis" and girls should marry older boys in order to get rid of this issue. Does that mean I should only date boys older than me? Are girls really doing this?

shono

Dater

Posts: 14
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I think girls date older guys because there is definitely a discrepancy in maturity between guys and girls. i feel like most girls are at least 3 years ahead of guys in maturity levels and therefore they would generally connect with a guy who is older. if a girl is looking for a working guy, an older guy is usually ahead in that regard as well and can therefore support her better. i think that is more the reason why a girl would date an older guy. i tried dating guys my age (21) and i found that they were really immature and i was years ahead of them. recently i have been getting redt 29-32 year olds and i found them to be more my maturity level... you need to do what you feel most comfortable with and not do things just because everyone else is. my friends think its crazy to date guys 10 years older than me... but everyone has their own comfort levels...

Bayla

Dating Maven

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Wow! You are brave! What do you do? I feel that sometimes when girls are professionals they kind of become a bit more sophisticated. Like from college and working..they just see more of the world then a girl who is a preschool assistant straight out of sem. You get what I mean? Your not intimidated to date guys that much older? back to the shidduch crisis should we be concerned about it? I think the most important part is if he sounds good for us to date..meaning his qualities. I don't think we should make age such an issue..

shono

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I just graduated colllege and I am now a preschool teacher. i feel like because i am working and they are working we are in the same boat and its not so far off. i agree with you bayla- if all the qualities match up age can go on the back burner.. also there are old 30 yr olds and young 30 yr olds and you might click with one and another might feel like they are in a different planet than you are... you know?

Bayla

Dating Maven

Posts: 84
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Yea good point shono..even though everyone makes such a big deal about ages. I totally get what your saying. I actually have some close friends that are older than me and some that are younger..so same idea.

thinkingBY-
girl

Dating Coach

Posts: 607
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If we're going to talk about the "shidduch crisis" and the numbers game, I want to mention last week's, January 19th, cover story of Ami Magazine about the shidduch crisis. The article claimed that there is a demographic time bomb ticking in the yeshiva world. The age gap between boys and girls entering the shidduch market combined with the high rate of population growth has meant that there simply are not enough guys relative to the amount of girls.

The article discusses all the myths why there are less boys than girls, including (but not limited to) that this problem is not based in pickiness of girls or boys or that more boys go off the derech (which is not true). Simply, there is an age gap and there are not enough 23 year old boys to marry all of the 19 year old girls; as per common mathematics and common sense, the younger the generation, the more people it contains.

In the Ami article, Shimon and Yisrael Lichtenstein push for a plan that will have bochurim not go to yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel, but rather start going to Lakewood or other yeshivas in the US at the age of 20-21. A recent kol kore was signed by many Roshei Yeshiva calling on bochurim to marry earlier.

To me this raises many questions about maturity and marital readiness, hishtadlus, bashert/zivug hagon, and much much more. I have a lot to say on the matter, but my gut reaction is that yes, there is a concept of hishtadlus, which we should partake in. However, are we so dense to not realize that G-d holds the key to this particular issue? This is so hard for everyone because it's one of the few things that the illusion that we are in control is almost too thin. G-d controls the world and everything in it, yet there is a concept of teva and we think we control a lot more than we do. In this case our hishtadlus does not reach as far as it does with other issues.

The numbers game makes sense statistically, but it does not make a lot of sense practically. "19 year old girls marry 23 year old boys, which leaves an age gap, etc." Do we not believe in the concept of a bashert/zivug? 40 days before a child is conceived a bas kol is heard in shamyim saying "bas ploni l'ploni." Are all these people not marrying their zivug hagon??

There isn't an answer to this dilemma. Each generation has their share of challenges. This is one of our's great nisyonos. Instead of chasing our tail and making ourselves crazy, we should work on strengthening our emunah and bitachon, and working to become better people. Perhaps in that zechus our "crisis" will be averted.

Smile91

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Posts: 23
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Quote from Miriam on November 16, 2012, 1:33 PM
I understand that there is a "shidduch crisis" and girls should marry older boys in order to get rid of this issue. Does that mean I should only date boys older than me? Are girls really doing this?

Don't most girls marry boys older than them? I think that the way they're trying to get rid of the crisis is by having girls marry younger boys, not older boys-that's what NASI's trying to promote. I'm a little bit confused about what Miriam's saying.

Esther

Dating Maven

Posts: 79
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I think she must have made a mistake too..the whole thing is that girls should marry boys their age or younger...I do wonder about the maturity thing too though. 😕

iluvmetunz

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on: February 10, 2013, 6:01 PM

I heard the same thing that Esther is saying that girls and boys should marry the same age as they are i think it is kind of smart! 😛

batsheva60-
1

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Post Re: Age Difference
on: June 28, 2014, 2:45 AM

If every year there are an equal number of males and femals born and every year the total number of humans born increases than it is not possible for all girls to marry older guys. Lets say that in the year 2000 there are 200 humans born 100 male and 100 female, and every year the number increases by 10 (in 2001, 210 are born, in 2002, 220, in 2004, 240 ect.) And all 19 year old girls mary 23 year old guys than in the year 2023 there will be 100 boys (born in 2000) trying to marry 140 girls (born in 2004) which as long as we maintain a monogamous culture cannot possibly be done hence the "shidduch crisis"

batsheva60-
1

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on: June 28, 2014, 2:47 AM

Sorry I made a mistake in 2023 there will be 120 girls not 140

bibliophil-
e02

Dating Maven

Posts: 134
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on: July 3, 2014, 12:46 PM

I don't think there is any practical purpose to debating statistical/mathematical "theories" regarding the shidduch crisis.

First, it is impossible to determine with any reasonable degree of precision what the numbers really are. It sounds simple when you use nice round numbers, but life doesn't operate in nice round numbers. The truth is that there aren't going to be exactly 10 girls born for every 10 boys; the population isn't growing at a steady and predictable uptick every year; not every 19-year-old girl will marry a 23-year-old boy; not every girl or every boy is going to stay in the yeshivish world; not every girl or boy will marry someone in the same country they come from; not every girl will marry an older boy; and many girls and boys will marry "late" (by which time, of course, age dynamics matter much less than they did in the first place).

Second, it causes trauma and confusion to singles and parents of singles on both sides. Much time and energy has been wasted both by those who put together these "theories" and by the unfortunate girls who read an article that states as if it were fact that "10% of girls will NEVER get married". Think of the unnecessary tzores we are all going through because of this-- and for what?? Which brings me to my next point.

No one I know governs their lives based on these "theories". No one I know reads Ami magazine and then immediately calls a shadchan to say, "You know what, please find a nice younger boy for me so I can help fix the shidduch crisis". Everyone has her comfort level and her life experience. If you're open to dating younger, great. If you're not open to dating younger-- for whatever reason-- ten million articles wouldn't change that.

Yes, we have to do our hishtadlus in shidduchim. But hishtadlus doesn't mean sitting around with a calculator. Hishtadlus means davening/saying tehillim, working on ourselves so we can BE the right person in order to FIND the right person, letting friends and acquaintances and shadchanim know that we're looking, and of course making shidduchim for others. Hashem will work out the mathematics part.

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