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Author Topic: If I feel my parents arent making enough hishtadlus - should I do more?
Aviva B
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Post If I feel my parents arent making enough hishtadlus - should I do more?

This question was posted by Miriam - I just moved it here to be its own topic:

Dear Aviva,
I am having a hard time and I am really hoping that you can help me out. I have a problem defining the difference between Hishdadlus and Bitachon. I will first explain to you my background so that you have an idea where I come from. I am the 8th and the youngest in my family. The oldest two are girls, five boys and then me. Everybody is married except myself. I am 23. My mother is the chilled out type of person and she feels that it will just happen..I mean she feels that when the right time will come the right person will redt me to my bashert. I feel very differently. I feel that we live in tough times and yes, I do believe that there is a shidduch crisis. I feel that it is crucial for every single girl in the parsha to do whatever she needs to do to "put herself out there" and get her name around. It can mean networking to find out names of shaddchanim who work with her crowd, sending her resume to dating websites or even calling shadchanim once a week to let them know that the single is still around. My mother doesn't even believe in the whole resume things. I am upset at my mother inside and feel that she is not doing enough for me. I have told her this before and she laughs it off telling me that I am still young and I am being overly anxious. I do not know how involved my mother was back when my older sisters went out because I was way too young. I do know that one got married at 18 and the other at 20. I also realize and believe that times were different then and things were easier. With all that said I want to know if I should be stepping up and doing what I need to be doing to get things rolling. One more important and very upsetting thought is that I only went out once! I have officially been dating and wanting to get married since I returned him from seminary! I feel like I am being pulled in two directions..one side tells me to step up and take control of the situation. My mother is outdated and she doesn't know what girls need to do these day. The other side tells me that she married off my other siblings (mostly boys though and things are different by them) lots of people know me and I should just sit back and relax. And so, that is my struggle. If you can advise me as to what the right thing to do is I would feel so much better so that I Can be confidant whichever way I decide to take this. Thank you sooo much!
Frustrated in shidduchim

Aviva B
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Post Re: If I feel my parents arent making enough hishtadlus - should I do more?

Hi Miriam,

That is a frustrating situation - especially in circles where much of the shidduch hishtadlus responsibility falls on parents, when you feel your parents aren't taking on that responsibility, that can leave you feeling disadvantaged.

It doesn't sound like your mother is going to change her perspective. Whether because of her background, her personality, or her experiences with your older siblings - this is the amount of effort she is going to put in. If you feel that more hishtadlus has to be done to be responsible - it is going to be your responsibility, hard as that may be.

Does more hishtadlus need to be done?

Much of our responsibility for hishtadlus does depend on our perspective. If we feel that more hishtadlus needs to be made to give us a reasonable, b'derech hateva chance of getting married - then it does. If we really, honestly don't think more needs to be made (and not because we're lazy, and not because we're fooling ourselves into thinking we have more "bitachon" than we really do) - then usually what we're doing is enough.

From what you wrote, it certainly sounds like you think more hishtadlus should be made. Even from a more "objective" standpoint, if you've only had one date in several years (and you would like more), it sounds like more hishtadlus should be made.

You sound like a person who knows how to take action, and while it may be frustrating to have to do all the legwork by yourself without parental help, it sounds like you'll be able to do so effectively.

The decision is obviously yours to make, but from what I am hearing from you, it seems like from all vantage points - emotional, spiritual and practical - your putting in more efforts makes a lot of sense.

B'hatzlacha - may Hashem put bracha in your efforts!

All the best,
Aviva

dancer90

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Post Re: If I feel my parents arent making enough hishtadlus - should I do more?

Miriam i definitely understand your dilemma!! one of the most complicated aspects of shidduchim is hishtadlus vs. bitachon!! where do you draw the line??
we say every day in davening "rabos machshavos bilev ish v'atzas hashem hee takum" and "baruch hagever asher yiftach bashem vihaya hashem mivtacho"
whenever im worried im not doing enough hishtadlus i just repeat these pisukim in my head over and over untill it sinks in!
i think the greatest thing you can take with you from this whole nisayon, when your maried and its all over, is the emuna and bitachon that you were forced to build into your daily life.
shidduchim make no sense and there's no rhyme or reason -as much as we rationalize.
its hard to admit it but your mother is right! believe me i met shadchanim and i network and all that stuff and i date and i just didnt find my guy cuz its not the right time.
if your shidduch is meant to come through a shadchan then hashem will co-ordinate it for you to meet them. your mothers emunah and bitachon has much greater power than any shadchanim you will meet! you can deny it, you can be angry and frustrated but the bottom line is "Hu borei umahanig lechal haberuim. vehu levado asah vosaeh vyaaseh lechal hamasim"
it cant hurt to meet shadchanim if you want to feel like your trying your best but i truly believe at the end of the day we will laugh how we ever doubted Hashem.

atararox

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Post Re: If I feel my parents arent making enough hishtadlus - should I do more?

Miriam, it may seem like ur sisters had it easier because things "were different then" but the truth is the same way ur sister got married through the hand of Hashem - so will you. EVERY shidduch is like kriyas yam suf. Not just the ones that happen now during the shidduch crisis. Just turn to Hashem and say " Hashem, I don't want to upset my mother and cause her aggravation. Please show me that You alone are running the world without any help from shadchanim. And just like you helped my sisters I need you to help me too". He will listen! This whole crisis is a facade created by the yetzer Horah to test us the bnos yisrael in our emunah. We have to stay strong and turn only to hashem and in the zechus of these tefillos we will be zoche to great things!!!!!!

Princess-
Lea

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Post Re: If I feel my parents arent making enough hishtadlus - should I do more?

Oh, THANK YOU Atararox! (You do rock, by the way). (About the no shidduch crisis bit. Lovely work.)

Aviva B, your momma married off seven children, so she definitely learned a few things. One is, one cannot force a situation.

And no, things were not different then. The same Hashem that worked out their marriages will work out yours. OK, you don't have many dates, but you know what? It is quality, not quantity. Any single gal will tell you that.

BUT, if you feel you are going crazy twiddling your thumbs, then you can be proactive. I don't think shadchanim are much help, but rather you have at least one friend, or more? Ask them if any went out with a guy that would be possibly good for you. You have seven married siblings! Any of them must know of some eligible boys. Visit them for Shabbos (unless they all live overseas) and check out a new neighborhood. There is always one lady in a shul who looks you over like a piece of fresh meat.

As your mother said (or I am assuming she said) que sera sera. But if being dateless is making you crazy, then inquire about.

Aviva B
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Post Re: If I feel my parents arent making enough hishtadlus - should I do more?

Dancer, Atarox and Princess Lea -
Thanks so much for contributing your opinions and insights!

Definitely both bitachon and hishtadlus are necessary components in any endeavor in life - and increasing one's level of bitachon is paramount.

At the same time, you have to know where you're really holding in the balance. While obviously Hashem controls what happens, He expects of us to do hishtadlus appropriate to our level, and anything else is irresponsible. To bring an example from another area of life, while "a man's livelihood is determined from Rosh Hashana to Rosh Hashana", and maybe there are some people for whom it is appropriate to not make any hishtadlus, is that appropriate for the majority of us? From where we work to where we choose to be in kollel, most of us put thought and hishtadlus into how we support ourselves and those who depend on us.

So in the final say, it's only the individual herself who can make the decision about how much hishtadlus Hashem expects her to put in, because only she can accurately assess her level of bitachon/hishtadlus in the given situation. Our emotions (stress, etc.) often are good indicators about where we're holding.

And this should not be seen as a negative. Someone who knows they have to put in hishtadlus and does is much better off than someone who fools themselves into thinking they don't have to put in hishtadlus and doesn't. The more in touch with reality we are, the better it is for our relationship with Hashem.

All the best,
Aviva

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