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Author Topic: asking information...
InShidduch-
imFollower

Dating Maven

Posts: 50
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Post asking information...
on: February 18, 2013, 6:24 PM

I research boys on my own, and truthfully, its really not fun. Each time i start again, i have no idea what im doing. i always ask the basic questions, and each time i receive the basic reply, "hes a really great guy" blah blah blah... how do i pick out what really lies behind their words? how do i know if the boy is someone i should date? what kind of questions am i supposed to ask when checking? i know mothers all have lists of questions, but i dont know where to begin!
Please help! Thanx:)

life123

Dating Pro

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Post Re: asking information...
on: February 18, 2013, 6:28 PM

There are a few mishpacha magazine articles about this. Do you have a neighbor or someone who has old magazines? If you live in Brooklyn, I can lend you them.

InShidduch-
imFollower

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Post Re: asking information...
on: February 18, 2013, 6:30 PM

no, i dont have old mishpacha magazines.... can you maybe post them? or PM them to me?

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: asking information...
on: February 18, 2013, 6:33 PM

Check out this conversation thread. If you want more ideas of how/what to ask, let me know.

http://www.inshidduchim.com/forums/the-dating-scene-group11/dating-in-general-forum44/looking-into-guy-thread119/

iThink

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Post Re: asking information...
on: February 18, 2013, 10:52 PM

InShidduchimFollower: Just a few pointers that I don't think were mentioned in the "looking-into-guy-thread".

1. Try to ask open-ended questions (avoid questions that can be answered with yes or no). For ex: Instead of asking "Is he a talkative guy?" you would say "Can you tell me a little about his personality?" The person will usually share the things about his personality that immediately come to mind.

2. Ask the person you're talking to (in the beginning of the conversation) how well he knows that person. This is a good idea for two reasons: First, you get an idea for what kind of questions you can ask this reference, based on how well he knows the guy you're looking into. Second, if you were told that they're close, and the reference claims he knows him "vaguely, a little bit, not really well, etc." it may be a red flag where he's trying to get out of having to provide detailed info.

3. When it comes to deal breakers, the following could be very helpful: Tell the person "I cannot see myself happy with a guy who does/has/is XYZ. Do you know if that's the case with him?" or "In order for me to respect my husband he would need to do/be/have XYZ." If the reference truly cares about his friend, they will somehow get the message accross that this shidduch might not be the best idea. (FYI-I've b"H gotten people to tell me pretty sensitive things about their friends this way. Nobody want their friend to be unhappy. Sometimes they will not tell you outright, but will contact their friend and let him know that this girl who's checking into him is not for him. I've seen it work both ways.)

4. Take notes when you speak to references. Make sure that the info you're getting from different people don't contradict each other. Something isn't right if two people claim he's more to the quiet side and the other two seem to think he's the life of the party.

5. This point is so, so important: Don't forget that everything you're told is nothing more than someone's opinion. It's important to understand where they're coming from. When I'm told things like "He's ____ type, but more liberal", " He's very mature", "He's a real family guy", "He's very thoughtful"...alwaysrespond with a question like "Can you give me an example where you see that?" or "Can you explain what liberal means to you in this context?". What someone else considers unbelievably thoughtful may be basic mentchlichkeit to you. And since you don't know who you're talking to, it's important to get them to elaborate as much as possible.

6. When I know that I'm talking to someone who is really close to person I'm looking into, ask them directly "What kind of girl is he looking for?" There is no better question in the world that'll help you get an idea whether or not this thing could work. But it's only fair to ask if that person really knows the guy well.

7. Before you make the phone call, have a list of questions on hand. The link to thinkingBYgirl's post is an excellent place to start. As you read through her list, you will think of your own questions.

8. You asked how to tell what really lies behind their words. When they start using cliches and one word answers, gently push for elaboration.

9. Before you pick up that phone, talk to Hashem and ask for His help. May you be given the Siyatta Dishmaya to know what to ask, know how to listen, and ultimately find your bashert soon. Good luck!!

Bracha613

Dating Maven

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Post Re: asking information...
on: February 18, 2013, 11:04 PM

WOW ithink you should write a book or something 🙂

basyisroel

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Post Re: asking information...
on: February 18, 2013, 11:45 PM

A big thing to ask is if he has a rav/rebbi/rosh yeshiva who he consults with. You don't want to marry someone who does whatever he wants even if he seems to be a very frum guy. And then once you're married and an issue comes up (it's inevitable...) it's very convenient to have a Rav to go to whom both of you respect and agree to listen to

life123

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Post Re: asking information...
on: February 18, 2013, 11:50 PM

The shidduch issues mostly... you can look on mishpachas website

iThink

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Post Re: asking information...
on: February 18, 2013, 11:51 PM

Quote from basyisroel on February 18, 2013, 11:45 PM
A big thing to ask is if he has a rav/rebbi/rosh yeshiva who he consults with. You don't want to marry someone who does whatever he wants even if he seems to be a very frum guy. And then once you're married and an issue comes up (it's inevitable...) it's very convenient to have a Rav to go to whom both of you respect and agree to listen to

Basyisroel, so so true. It's important to know not only if he consults Daas Torah but also who his Daas Torahis. It must be someone who's opinion you will respect and accept as well!

Princess-
Lea

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Post Re: asking information...
on: February 19, 2013, 2:32 PM

I don't ask information. If my parents happen to know of someone who lives or davens with the guy, then they call up. Even then I don't always trust what they say. If the guy's basic information looks presentable (and it doesn't always) then I just go on a date.

References are usually vetted to give positive feedback anyway, and one person's "truth" is not another's.

It's a date. It's not a proposal.

feigy123

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Post Re: asking information...
on: February 19, 2013, 4:54 PM

Quote from basyisroel on February 18, 2013, 11:45 PM
A big thing to ask is if he has a rav/rebbi/rosh yeshiva who he consults with. You don't want to marry someone who does whatever he wants even if he seems to be a very frum guy. And then once you're married and an issue comes up (it's inevitable...) it's very convenient to have a Rav to go to whom both of you respect and agree to listen to

This is something you can ask him.

Aviva B
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Post Re: asking information...
on: May 30, 2013, 3:22 PM

Back from an extended break...
iThink's answer really covered most of the critical bases. I'll emphasize that it's important to ask for examples (i.e can you tell me some of his outstanding character traits and an example of each one). If they tell you that he's a ba'al chesed, but can't think of any example that shows it, that doesn't mean he's NOT a ba'al chesed, but it does mean you need to take his reference's assertion that he is with a grain of salt.

One additional point is to try and start figuring out where his weak points are. Not to pasul him, necessarily, but because every person has weak points and issues, and part of dating is to figure out what they are and if you're going to be able to live with them. (If you can't figure out what the issues are - don't marry him until you do! Otherwise they're going to surprise you - bad news.) If you want more details on that point, you can read a post I wrote on the topic: http://navigatingtheshidduchcrisis.com/dont-run-from-your-potential-dates-issues-meet-them-head-on/

B'hatzlacha!
Aviva

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