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Author Topic: Are "Naturally Good Middos" Second-Rate?
Aviva B
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Post Are "Naturally Good Middos" Second-Rate?

Question:

I'm dating this boy who has extraordinary middos. There is nothing I can complain about if asked "how are his middos". The question is- I think he NATURALLY has good middos, I don't think he sat there working to perfect each middah religiously. Is there a problem with that? They say the first thing to look at is always middos but if it is just natural and not because it is the right thing, does it mean as much? It is like someone who just likes to wear skirts, they don't wear skirts because Hashem says so...If he never had the test to pass it, does it mean that its considered a pass?

Answer:

It is a bracha to be married to someone with exceptional middos, whether they come naturally or whether he put a lot of effort into them. Yes, the schar in Shamayim might be different, but I would leave details of schar to be between the person himself and Hashem. The question of how much effort he puts into working on himself is very relevant to your potential marriage though - mainly because he's a human being, and therefore not perfect, and therefore he will have issues that he will need to work on. Does he realize that he's not perfect? Does he put effort into working on himself in the areas where he sees he needs improvement? It seems like you're someone who's very aware of the value of working on yourself, and so in addition to its objective value for everyone, it may be especially important for you to see in your husband.

Make this a topic you talk about in your dates. Bring up issues that you've had to work on, middos challenges you've had or currently have. Ask him for his opinion about what to do. Ask him if he's been in similar situations and what he did. Make sure you're not phrasing it as a "test question" - you're feeling out what his approach is and seeing if and how he works on himself.

May you be zocheh to constantly grow, and to find a husband who matches that trait!

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