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Author Topic: Comments on Ongoing Story
thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 8, 2013, 5:39 PM

First of all, LOVE the idea!

What do you think about changing the age of our protagonist, Dina, to 25 and her sister to 23?

iThink

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 8, 2013, 6:10 PM

Love the Idea AND the idea of this thread! I'm gonna wait a little to get to know Dina better before I join in the writing.

Btw age change sounds good. I'll relate better too.

Bracha613

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 8, 2013, 7:07 PM

OK changed it.

thinkingBY-
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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 8, 2013, 10:51 PM

I'm thinking this story needs some subplots. What's the consensus?

life123

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 8, 2013, 10:59 PM

Its a little early for that, no?
But maybe we can try to have some more punctuation?
I know this isn't a formal thing but seriously... I like editing and it's driving me crazy that I can't.

thinkingBY-
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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 8, 2013, 11:11 PM

How long can we go on about how much she's stewing? We need something to happen soon.

Bracha613

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 8, 2013, 11:13 PM

Go for it. Good idea.

Guest

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 8, 2013, 11:20 PM

Ok, Chaysim was very willing to edit the Ongoing Story. If you have any questions or comments on her editing, please P.M. her. Enjoy! (this is getting serious!! 😉 )

iThink

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 8, 2013, 11:23 PM

I think we should plan a basic idea on this thread so we can work together on the story. Ideas anyone?

life123

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 8, 2013, 11:30 PM

I think there is an idea coming along... but maybe we can cut out a little of the kvetching and save it for later 😉 😮

thinkingBY-
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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 8, 2013, 11:59 PM

Okay, here's some things to think about as we plan this story:

1) Does Dina take the promotion and move away?
2) Does this open doors for her, dating and otherwise?
3) How can she be successful in leading her life, feeling accomplished, without being married? What helps her through these challenges she faces as an older single with an engaged younger sister? What does she learn about herself through this journey?
4) What else do we want to talk about in the story (ie. subplots)? Do you think we can handle a subplot about a guy and his dating life? (Maybe a subtle contrast without making it too cliche...definitely not about the guy she will end up with at the end of the story, because that's like telling the ending in the beginning. Maybe a cousin or neighbor, or any other ideas?)

iThink

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 9, 2013, 12:18 AM

I'm not the creative type, so I won't be much help with the plot, but I think Dina needs a friend.

Also, maybe Dina can keep a journal, so we get to see some first person POV every once in a while? It wouldn't come off as "kvetchy" writing if it's a journal entry, and we'd get to see Dina's internal struggles a bit more? Not sure what the writing rules are about switching POV's during a story...

life123

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 9, 2013, 12:25 AM

Dina can have a friend and a diary (but please not one after the other! that would be too much of what's in her head and not enough action). Switching POV mid story is frowned upon in the writing community, but I think either a friend or diary would be nice.

iThink

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 9, 2013, 1:54 AM

K so conversations with a friend will definitely help see Dinas thoughts and struggles better. Forget the journal idea if anyone thinks it's too boring.

thinkingBY-
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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 9, 2013, 2:56 AM

I think also we need to decide on Dina's personality here so we can flesh out her character uniformly and not be all over the place. Let's try for dynamic and realistic. We know so far that she holds her own, because her boss wants to send her away to open a new office for him. She's probably outgoing but not miss social butterfly, because we have yet to hear her talk to any friends. (She could have been on the phone the moment she left work or when her mother sprang this date on her.) What other character traits define her?

Cherry

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 9, 2013, 7:39 AM

By the way i just read some of it now. Sounds really good 😀

Bracha613

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 9, 2013, 8:49 PM

I think Dina is fine. If you read any jewish book there will be someone with a name you know.
Just btw I changed around the what I wrote at the end of my last "submission" in case anyone saw it.

thinkingBY-
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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 9, 2013, 9:11 PM

Just trying to make this as realistic as possible... Would a guy make a huge revelation on a first date? Even if he's fairly open, as we've made him, isn't it unlikely? Should we not save it until they date a couple more times and he decides he likes her or whatever?

Bracha613

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 9, 2013, 9:23 PM

Yeah I guess your right I just couldn't figure out where to go from there. I took it out why don't you continue.

Sari

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 10, 2013, 10:06 AM

Wow thanks everyone for the story. This is better than the mishpacha serials lol.

Bracha613

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 10, 2013, 3:01 PM

idk I think it's good when people write a lot it helps get the story going just IMHO.

Bracha613

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 10, 2013, 3:03 PM

Hey I just noticed Thinking by girl got a name change to Dating Pro congrats!

life123

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 10, 2013, 7:06 PM

Some grammar tips - no offense or anything, but some quick basics do a lot for reading pleasure! I hated grammar in school, but these things are important to know.

Days of the week are always capitalized.

When someone speaks, you end quotes with a ! ? or comma if there is more to the sentence, not a period.

When someone is thinking in first person you italicize, no quotes. You can tell if it is first person if the tense is different or if it uses words like we or I. For example, She though, He is so tall! is in first. If it wasn't, it would say, She thought he was very tall.

When you use the words oh | well | uh etc in the beginning of a sentence, it is usually followed by a comma. For example, "Oh, I don't know."

With Hebrew words, you capitalize only if it is a proper noun - like Shabbos, name of a sefer, etc. If it is in the dictionary, you treat it like a regular word. If it isn't, you italicise it. I guess we don't need to do that here, since we all know what the words mean...

dancer90

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 10, 2013, 7:24 PM

writing is no fun when you have to concentrate on grammar! LOL but you are right! it makes all the difference!

dancer90

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 10, 2013, 7:44 PM

hey guys! if youre reading the story youll see that i changed the perspective of the story (for now) to Esty's perspective! i thought it would be an interesting twist to hear her side of things as well.

i was thinking that some girls on this site might be the younger sister in shudduchim and therefor able to relate to Esty as well. thought id try it. if you guys dont like it ill remove it! no prob! maybe we can go back and forth between the two sisters. i think it would be so interesting to develope the charcters in that way...
what do you guys think?

thinkingBY-
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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 10, 2013, 8:40 PM

I like it. I think we also need some subplots to keep it from getting monotonous. Maybe not yet, but soon.

dancer90

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 10, 2013, 9:06 PM

agreed. maybe we should throw around some ideas? i think she sould take the job offer to start. will give oppurtunites for new charcters and dating options.

thinkingBY-
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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 12:01 AM

She definitely takes the promotion and moves away. But, how soon does she leave? I think at some point we should have her date someone seriously and then break up.

Ok, so what are some ideas for subplots? Here's an idea, totally shoot me down if it isn't the direction we want to go, but how about we get to know Shmuel's ex-wife who totally pull the wool over his eyes when they were dating/engagement/first few months of their marriage, or maybe we should hear Shmuel's side of the story, or some other couple with marriage problems who work it out? Maybe we can introduce a different guy, I think it would be a good contrast to explore the other side of the dating scene...

dancer90

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 12:46 AM

Ok I finished off my last post where she decides to take job. I was thinking maybe we shud expound on her co worker fraidy who seems like her life is so perfect but really there's more than meets the eye. We shud def have her meet a new guy .... But not divorced or anything. I think maybe her next guy should be a a boy who seems so perfect and exactly what she wants but as she gets to know him she begins to sense he's hiding something.... Not sure what he shud be hiding though. I don't want it to be too cliche!!

thinkingBY-
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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 12:52 AM

Love your ideas. 🙂

dancer90

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 12:57 AM

😀

dancer90

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 1:00 AM

Oh and I wid also luv to expound on estys perspective like how she's dealing with the mixed emotions of watching her sisters torturous struggle while trying not to feel guilty and blame herself, yet still be happy with her own good fortune in finding her amazing chosson. I think that combination of emotions is so insightful and complex.

bygirl

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 1:44 AM

omg awesome story!!
i think dina def needs more of a social life, cuz realistically girls are always sharing everything with friends and we didn't hear her discuss the shmuel incident with anyone....
maybe that could be another one of her frustrations - that all her friends are married and busy and are on a diff page...
also, when she takes her promotion and moves to the new city there are prob two options of where she could live.it could either be relatives like grandparents, or great aunt and uncle type, or she could share an apartment with a roommate. so maybe that could be another character thats introduced. the roommate could be someone really hard to deal with, or she could become her new best friend...
just some suggestions you guys could keep in mind! 🙂

thinkingBY-
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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 1:51 AM

Good idea. Why don't we make this new roommate and Dina have an intense love/hate relationship.

dancer90

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on: April 11, 2013, 8:17 AM

Love it!!! How about her roommate turns out to be girl she went to sem with 7 yrs ago who she didn't really like very much! And then over time they learn to deal with their differences and become close friends! Also she already has one friend Shaindy! I feel like most 25yr old girls don't have too many ongoing friendships with big chevras besides maybe for co workers. Married friends often move away and go MIA! So it kinda makes sense that she only has one close friend! Maybe we can even add a third roommate to the new apt as a small character ?????i think that along with the whole dating episode, plus the struggle with Esty would be enough to go on for now? Whatdaya think?

Bracha613

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 8:50 AM

Hey I just had a really good idea...how about if she doesn't like her roomate ect. then like after a bit she finds out that it's shmuel's ex and through that she somehow gets redt to him again...... Maybe make it that the ex is so amazed how nice Dina is to her despite her being such a brat that she somehow redts it and they live happily ever after..... I think this will pick up all of the loose ends of the story...What do you think?

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 9:56 AM

Eh, let Shmuel go. Let's give her dating variety.

Dina is supposed to be a great gal. If Shmuel didn't realize it right away, then it's his loss.

How about instead because she moves to this new town and becomes good friend's with the roommate, this other girl redts her to a cousin or brother? So it would have been bashert for her to take this new job.

iThink

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 11:36 AM

I'm not so cracked over putting any strain in the roommate relationship. I think Dina needs at least one uncomplicated relationship in her life. Between workmates and Esty and her parents and dates I think she has enough of that drama for now. Although we can use her to create an interesting subplot some other way instead.

dancer90

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 12:01 PM

I think we need to make a list of all the positive things in Dina's life and all the complicated things to make sure it's not too intense! Although everyone loves a lot of drama! Also, I think shmuel should be done with. She didn't really like his hashkafa and she didn't want to compromise on that! I think for now we should focus abd develop her new job and roommates and then in a little bit bring in a new guy???

thinkingBY-
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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 2:03 PM

Agreed. Shmuel's done with (at least in any connection to Dina).

One of her constants should be her sister Esty. Even though she's got to be grappling with being happy for her and dealing with this pain of her younger sister skipping her, they still have a good relationship. She has a good relationship with her parents, but, clearly, they treat her like a child, and she desperately needs her independence.

Shaindy is her one close single friend, for now. She has other single friends who aren't necessarily her age, and she isn't necessarily very close with them -- coworkers, maybe girls she goes to a shuir with... She can have other married friend on the periphery, married and busy, but still keep in touch every so often. When she moves then she'll have at least one roommate and eventually they should become close.

I think we should also develop some of the other characters like dancer90 suggested. Maybe Fraidy? Maybe a different married friend? Someone whose marriage looks perfect but is struggling. There's no need for them to get divorced, but we can portray their struggles, and how they have to invest a lot to work things out. Opinions everyone?

atararox

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 3:56 PM

Like like like! I expounded on Shaindy a lil in the last segment! Keep or remove? I wanna maybe turn her into a girl who does not have a lot going for her (weight money etc) yet she's happy and positive no matter what and really believes its all from hashem

Shaindy

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 3:56 PM

Oi it looks like atararox and thinkingBYgirl both wrote at the same time....

dancer90

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 5:40 PM

i actually think it flows...thinkingbygirl ended with Dina telling tzipora everything that happened. to continue with that would only reiterate all thats been going on. thinkingbygirl did an awesome job of bringing in another married friend whose sort of around in her life and then i kind of liked how atara just skipped to dina officially accepting the job offer. i think it works...anyone else?

atararox

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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 6:23 PM

i think it flows. and im not just saying it cuz i wrote it lol
thinkingbygirl - whatdya think?

thinkingBY-
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Post Re: Comments on Ongoing Story
on: April 11, 2013, 6:29 PM

I think it works fine. Not sure what the issue is... Good job by the way on your post, atararox :). Definitely keep the details. We want to try to develop the characters as much as possible.

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