College Because He Wants It Or Not?

By | October 7, 2013


I’ve been set up with a boy who is in college and I am looking for a learning boy. I know that it is very possible for a boy to be in college and still want to sit and learn for a while. (ex: his parents insist or he is older and figures he may as well do it now and not later.) The last time I dated a boy with a degree, I was told his parents insisted on the degree but that he wanted to learn, and would learn for a while. On our fourth date, I found out he believed that boy has to earn the real money and he wasn’t planning on learning very long. I was very upset that it took so long for me know that and I really don’t want that to happen again. We did research and everyone seemed to think he was a learner, including the shadchan. So we said yes. When my brother heard I was going to date him, he said “He’s so not for you, he’s not going to learn a long time”> So how do I find out why he’s in college, and how soon can I do it? Everyone always says talk about light things on the first date. Can you think of a light, non judgmental way for me to ask him what his plans are regarding college and working, already on the first date?


How about just asking him outright, “What are you majoring in in college?” and then take it from there. Be interested in HIM. Does he enjoy his studies? Is there something that really “speaks” to him? Maybe he’s studying education, so that he’ll have the right credentials if he decides to eventually go into chinuch. Or perhaps his parents insist that he get a BA, and he’s taking the minimum requirements just to be m’chabed them. I’m sure that if he doesn’t feel that he is being pinned to the wall, he’ll feel comfortable sharing some of his dreams and aspirations with you!

Lots of luck!

Category: Ask the Shadchan

About Debbie

Debbie Shapiro is a wife, mother, grandmother (in that order), and a resident of Jerusalem for over 40 years. In addition to her work as a writer and PR director, she enjoys playing with her grandchildren, being there for her children, and writing for columns like this one! She's made quite a few shidduchim and is known for her common sense. She welcomes questions, comments, feedback and interaction. Check out Debbie’s latest book here

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